WebKittyn Warbles

I sat here last night for over an hour just staring at this entry space and writing nothing. I knew it had to be written but this is a really tough one. I lay a lot of my heart out on the line in this blog but with this one I'm going deep, it's difficult to put it in words and put it out there but if I don't then it's like it's not real. Seeing it here makes it real. If I put it out here it's public domain for anyone to come back at me with so I have to stick with it.

We know I don't like anything easy. That includes doing anything the easy way for myself as well. So what the hell am I babbling about now?

Tomorrow is Father's Day. It is my third Father's Day without my dad and I swear it gets worse every year. I've been doing my best to keep my spirits up, amusing myself making pages on Facebook and taking strength from all the support I've gotten but it's still really hitting me like a sledgehammer to the face.

So what do I do? I set my cigarette quit date for 11;59PM tonight. This is possibly one of the stupidest things I've done in a long time.

It's a seriously high stress day, I should be puffing cigs like a maniac and inhaling cheesy poofs with my other hand, not making a decision to do something seriously hard. Yet this is how my head works.

It's the perfect time for me to do this on two levels that I need for things to work for me:

1. Pressure. I'm quitting on Father's Day, this one's for you, Chuck. In my mind this applies a pressure to me that says I did enough in my life to let the man down, it's time to do and stick to something that would make him majorly proud. I quit on his day, I dishonour him if I fail.

2. Test of Will. I need this. I've called myself out and challenged myself to make it through a really bad day without cigarettes. If I can survive a baaaaaad day without crutching on the nicotine, I can stick it this time. It's time for me to see how strong my mind really is.

I'm not doing it alone, I've got Paul McKenna's CDs and the book and I swear it's a big part of why I finally decided to do this, the man is a bloody genius. I'll be using his exercises every time a craving hits and I've put my faith in his techniques (besides, he says 'fuck' in the book and any hypnotist who's that real has GOT to be a winner)..

However, I openly admit that right now I'm talking a lot of shit and bravado. Right now it's not Father's Day and as I type this I've got a Marlboro Gold 100 hanging out of my mouth. It's easy to yap on about strength and will and the power of the mind when the deadline is 9 and a half hours from now. I admit it.

One friend told me I was out of my mind doing it all at once. Owning up to the bad shit I've done, a total diet overhaul, quitting smoking and dealing with Father's Day. I agree with him that yes, I am out of my mind but this is what I needed. I've always been an extremist and something about the hardcore do it all at once method appeals to me.

Tonight will be the first time in over 20 years I don't smoke a cigarette before going to sleep (except for the 8 weeks in Albany Med where they locked the doors at 9PM so the last cig had to be early). This is a hell of a thought. Tomorrow I will wake up a former smoker. I'll remember it's Father's Day and cry like a baby and then probably barf my brains out but I will not light a cigarette to deal with it. I'll tap and visualise and put Dr. McKenna's exercises to the test. I'll call on every ounce of my inner strength to pull me through.

I'm already worried I'm going to blow it and let my father down. This is a double edged sword. It's good in that it will keep me on the right track but it's bad because I miss him so fucken much.

This is going to be really hard and I'm openly admitting I'm going to need all the support I can get. I may get crazy now and then even though Dr. McKenna swears with his techniques I can control the crazies, he really puts a lot of emphasis on the power of the mind. But I know I need moral support and I will happily gobble up any and all words of support and kindness, not just tomorrow even though that's the really bad day.

Darkstar will be here tomorrow night until Thursday morning and as a serious ex-smoker I know his presence will be a big help. A huge help. So will all the friends who understand that it's possible to be insanely strong and intensely weak at the same time and who let me lean hard on them as they are needed now.

This one's even harder than getting off dialysis, I think this is the hardest challenge I've issued to myself since 1987. It terrifies me, it excites me, it makes me feel like I'm on the verge of something big.

To the people who read this, you are now granted the powers to judge me. I'm making some big claims here, if I blow it then you will all know I blew it and to me that's bad and another motivating factor. I don't want to look weak and I don't want to waste the support and the kindness and the cheering on.

So that's that. Happy Father's day, Dad. I hope you like your gift. Mind, you've been officially and publicly called out. Are you up to the challenge or will this be another one of your many grand plans that never come to fruition? Remember that end of the year list, mind?

"Screw it, let's do it." - Richard Branson

I like to talk in music or rather, through music. Not all the time and not for everything but anything or anyone that matters in my world has some sort of music associated with them/it. Most of the time I don't tell people when I match them with songs, it's mostly for me. Letting people know the songs they've been given is personal, it's like giving a piece of myself away. Maybe that will change with my conversion to a human being with human emotions but who knows. For now my world of songs is my own.

More than half the songs I stick up there in the 30 Day Song Challenge or just post are not random picks. They all mean something to me, they're all associated with someone or something.

Sometimes when I'm too much of a chickenshit to say the things I want to say I'll do it with a song. It's usually pretty clear to the intended target that this one's for them. I do the same when I'm pissed, I've just been doing it forever.

Yes, it would be easier just to say the things to the people or write/talk about the situations but who wants easy, I've never taken the easy route with anything and I've never liked anything easy (except British men). I know it also pisses a few people off, I've gotten bitched at more than once for responding to questions/spats with music instead of words. Not forever, I eventually do talk but this is an annoying habit of mine I actually enjoy so I take the bitching. I like matching songs to people and things, I like getting lost in a song that reminds me of a person. I love it when someone catches on that that one was for them without my telling them, that thrills me. The haters are going to have to keep on hating.

To me, if a song is just a song then I have no use for it. There are millions of songs. It has to mean something. Like sex, it has to have emotion in it, it has GOT to mean something.

Even Darkstar doesn't know all the songs matched to him, some are sarcastic and he wouldn't appreciate the humour.

So there's my little secret for the night. I talk in music when I'm either too much of a coward to speak up or just because I enjoy it. Something on FB will go by and it will remind me of a person or a song matched to the person whose post I just read on goes the song. I can't post them all, my wall would be all songs and no boots.

I guess I do that with a lot of shit, not just music. Yes, this revelation just in. Talk about free flow writing. I know I talk in circles a lot of the time but the people who are supposed to get it, get it. The coward thing isn't entirely true either. Yah, sometimes it's there, who wants to be told to piss off or told their song sucks but for the most part it's just my screwy head. I like talking in circles and in music.

I come clean when asked though, I'm not that freaky. If called out directly I'll spill all but if left to my own devices I'll speak through music and things that might not look like they make sense to the rest of the world except myself the person or people meant to get it.

No, I don't expect anyone to sit there and waste time trying to figure out if the latest bit of tripe on my wall is some deep message or what the hell the latest song means. I don't expect anyone to care that much, I really don't. I'm just trying to explain why at times I appear so peculiar. I'm not an easy person to get to know. Getting easier but the annoying code talking isn't going anywhere.

I'm really not that batshit, I pretty much know what I'm doing (how was that, did it sound like I meant it?)

I just go about things in odd ways.

I prefer the word 'quirky.'

And yes, this a totally dopey pointless entry no one's going to give a fat rat's ass about but that's okay too. A lot of the FBers aren't bloggers so they don't quite get what I'm doing here but they read when the posts pop up on the wall. It's self-therapy. I slip into the quiet hours of night with some good mood music on and this is when and were it all comes together and starts to make sense. This is why we blog.

Tonight was a good night, I'm feeling dopey and silly and at the same time deeply reflective. It's been a full night of songs that have meaning to me, that's where this all came from. Last night was so sad I'm totally content with right now. Right now is right how it should be and I'll take that.

So hello, my name is Heather and now that you've agreed to be my friend you'll have to get used to me talking in code. It gets easier.

Will you be my friend (even though I farm too much and spend my days posting boots and shoes on FB)?

Tonight is one of the hard nights, the damn commercials are killing me.

Tonight I'm really missing my dad. I know it's normal but tonight's just a really hard night.

Tomorrow won't be as hard, I know this. Right now I just know I'm sad.

Miss ya, Dad.

"Don't you find yourself hypocriticil (sic) when you're talking about anthony weiner like he committed a crime but you did the same thing threatening to out audio clips on your show?"

No, actually I don't find myself hypocriticil or hypocritical. I see where you're coming from but you misunderstand.

My clips that I threatened to play were of a deatbeat on my phone who won't pay back what he promised would come April 1st. I've got a few voicemails where he sounds like he either just drank the entire bar or snorted a sand dune up his nose babbling about money and love and 'friendships' he would 'never screw over,' We're talking slurred, hardly understandable voicemail that I saved in case we end up on Judge Judy. That show was one of the ones I'm trying to work past, you'll notice I never posted it on podomatic because it disgusted me, I disgusted me. I can see where in jumping between topics and talking about three things at once you saw it that way.

I have no x rated clips of any sort, audio or video. Period. Nada. If I did, I would certainly never out them. Not even if they were of a sitting US Congressman, I don't need a payout that bad. That's really low end and even at my worst I couldn't go there. If I made it sound like I had such things, I'm sorry it came out that way. I hate to let people down but 99% of my pictures and videos are cats (the kind with 4 legs, no cute plays on words there) and any audio clips are skype calls from listeners who want their clips played.

I may have my ugly days but I couldn't do that. Although if it were a Congressman and a bunch of other people came out first with stuff I might join the pack much later on and not taking any money for git but that's about it. I don't betray trusts and there isn't a person alive who can say they've ever heard anything risque that anyone ever sent me - because there aint none and even if there was I wouldn't do it. I didn't out Weiner, I just think he's a bit of a disgusting pig-man and I don't feel sorry for him. There has got to be a point where you exercise some self-control and if you don't have that modicum of self-control I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you making laws for me.

So there's your answer. I hate to burst both your voyeuristic bubbles but no, I have nothing to share with the world and no, I have no pictures of Anthony Weiner's weiner. I do, however, have a ton of really cute cats playing with other really cute cats and lots of audio clips of Charlie Manson singing and spurting forth Manson-isms. And no, I am not a hypocrite. I'm a lot of things and they're not all puppies and poppies but I'm definitely not a hypocrite.

Question answered, now where's my cookie. You promised a Nutter Butter.

(this entry really posted at 2:15, I can't figure out how to change my times, dur dur dur) (never mind, I found it. I am woman, hear me roar)