WebKittyn Warbles
Monday, August 29, 2011
August Overview for the End of the Month
I'm going to try and remember to do this at the end of every month so I can go back and see how I can improve the new month.
Goodbye. August. You were a strange one. I think I'm going to miss you.
Things on the home front took a serious nose dive down this month. I'm not without fault in it but things have got to change for the sake of both of our sanity in this house. Things get said that leave lasting marks and that's not cool. She's got as much to work on with that as I do, she's got to come to terms with her gloom and unwillingness to even try and see if it's possible of have somewhat of a decent life without my dad. I know how much she's suffering but there has got to come a time when you realise you can't handle it, aren't handling it and reach out to the right people for help. She's still got a lot of life left in her, she deserves more than spending day after day in mourning. On my end, I need to cut her some slack and be a little more understanding and learn to walk away when she gets in her moods. There's plenty of room in this house, just walk away. I don't think it's too late but there is work to be done.
Things on the health front were sort of up and down. I got lazy this month, I didn't put as much effort into the dieting and getting firmed/toned up as I should have. Let's be honest, I did shit. Little walks here and there will not get up to Base Camp and will not make for a sexy cougar. There are enough ridiculous looking cougars out there stuffing themselves into clothes that make them look like sausages, I need to get my ass in gear.
That one is easy. The cool weather invigorates me and now that I can get the alien baby deflated, here I come gym and personal trainer. The want and the will is there and besides, we can't have Darkstar looking better than me when we get the video capability in the KMRL chatroom! He may be a pretty pretty princess but don't count the pretty pretty goonch out yet! Time to strap on the ankle weights and add them to the walk.
My own state of mind has actually been pretty good. I've made a few tough decisions and I'm not happy about them but I needed to do it.
One thing I truly believe is a friendship is a two way street. A friend, a true friend, should always be there when a friend is in need, no questions asked. If a friend is hurting, you go to them. You listen, you empathise without bullshitting, you don't offer advice or make judgment calls. You don't think about anything else you could be doing at the time because this is your friend and they're hurting and they need you. You don't go to them asking or looking for anything in return, you simply do this because it's what a friend does.
However. There has to be some give and take. One person can't always be the one talking. Sometimes the other friend would like someone to talk to, sometimes the other friend would like to be more than just the person turned to when things are critically bad and completely ignored otherwise. That's not a friendship.
I had to let something like that go a week or so ago. For all my many flaws I'm a loyal and good friend and I'm willing to be there whenever I'm needed when things are at their worst and I was but ya know what? I have things going on in my world too I might have liked to talk about or not be ignored when it's just a casual hello over AIM instead of listening to one in crisis over the phone. I would never turn anyone away who called me in crisis and who needed that shoulder but I'm not going to believe it comes with any true friendship.
Wasn't an easy call to make, I genuinely enjoyed that one conversation when you actually listened (maybe because you were stoned and drunk) but hey, I matter too. I hope in the course of our talks I helped you at least a tiny bit and I hope the situation we spent so much time discussing resolves for you in a way you're alright with. One of these days when the road trip heads south I will be showing up in your town and we'll share a beer to the shit life throws at us and the fact that internet people are in fact 'real.'
I probably made a ton of mistakes this month as well but at least I can say they were well thought out mistakes. *snickers* One friend made me realise it was time to get out of this self imposed exile I've put on myself and get back out there into the real world starting with adding the video to the KMRL chat so people can feel more connected to the hosts. I'm grateful for that although I have a feeling I've pissed this friend off since they left my group (yah, that stung) and have basically ignored me all day. I feel bad about that, this friend was very much the high point of the month of August and I really tried not to damage the friendship but I had to be honest with what I was thinking before I got into trouble and got myself hurt. There are only a handful of people in the world who have the power to hurt me. I've been through two MUDs, I've gotten tough but there are a few people who could hurt me and it becomes a problem when there's a chance of my getting hurt even though the other person did nothing wrong. Probably doesn't make much sense but it does to me and I'll know what I'm talking about when I come back in the end of September to compare it to the end of August. People who can hurt me scare the hell out of me.
I'm a Pisces through and through and one thing we Pisceans tend to do that isn't a good thing is create these little worlds and live in them. Only problem is, they're not real. Pisces are dreamers and idealists and I fall right into that. In this case, I really wanted things to be a certain way so in my head I convinced myself they were. Not fair to the other person involved who was always honest but it's really easy to hear what you want to hear when you really want to hear something. Sometimes it takes a jolt of reality to make a Pisces realise what they've been doing and retreat feeling slightly humiliated, slightly stupid and slightly relieved they didn't make an even bigger ass out of themselves. Pisces have problems differentiating fantasy from reality at times as the fantasy end is just so much more pretty and fun and happy but in reality it's a bad thing to do it and sucks. I'm sorry if I dropped any pressure on you, you didn't need it. You didn't lead me on, I led me on. I just hope the friendship survives, it's an important one. Don't shut me out. I'm already feeling shunned. I thought it was what you wanted, you hate drama and I wanted to spare you any. Please don't shut me out.
I re-kindled one very dear friendship that had been suffering badly and was on the brink of ending after 13 years. It wasn't pretty at times and I shed more than a few tears at some of the things that went back and forth but the roulette wheel seemed to be in my favour on this one and this is a friendship back on track. I love this person madly and life just wasn't as bright without them in it. I have high hope for this friendship as the cool weather approaches and the hibernation period comes to a close.
I need to get serious for September, this much I know. I need to get my soft ass less soft, I need to get a lot of shit done. One good thing about August was it made me feel stronger in my mind, more capable. I saw the differences in how I reacted to 12.5 hours of no power, a flooded room, a flooded basement, no internet, all the little things that at one time would have had me acting like a lunatic were handled with a cool resolve and lack of drama.
I feel focused and clear-headed and like I know what I want and actually have more than just a few scattered ideas on how to get there. August was a month of laying the groundwork for September which is a month of hardcore prepping for October when things really get going. I want to spend the majority of the month smiling and laughing and maybe even getting it right for a change and I feel like I can do it. I also need to get back to blogging more, my priorities have been all wonky during the day hours and I need to straighten that shit out.
Basically, here is what I need to do in September:
*Up the walks, add the weights
*Get to gym
*Use the Kinect stuff and treadmill
*Finish Darkstar's webstuff
*Complete cleaning of this room, new area rug
*Get webcam into KMRL chatroom
*Get SAM installed
*Get hair cut so it can grow out enough for Christmas extensions
*Finish the clothes sorting and re-doing gueatroom into Heatherland, Part 2
*Re-screen 4 windows
*Inspect the car
*Read at least three books
*3 hours for McKenna tapes, meditation, writing, thinking. No phone, no computer, no TV
*Clean the LAST 2000 songs
*Get through a whole month of THC shows with no excuses
*Improve things with the mother
*Be silly, laugh a lot, make others laugh and feel good.
*Recruit one new show to KMRL
*Haunt Brian David Whitman some more to pay his debt
*Pay Thomas back as he was gracious enough not to remind me that I overspent in August and didn't send that $50
It's a lot but it's a lot of little things I can take care of easily and then work on the rest.
I have a lot of plans for Autumn and Winter, they don't include sitting in Red Hick lamenting missing all the holiday festivities or friends who've flown in or not meeting people I've been talking to online for 10+ years who know me as well as the people in the real world or not taking that crazy KMRL Christmas card on Santa's lap or not adding the webcam so I can give people the finger for two hours and introduce the world to my cats.
It's time to start having fun in the real world again and I'm looking forward to the adventurous and/or crazy souls who want to be a part of it all. Some of you have been putting up with me and my batshit head for over twenty five years, some have spent the past ten years being a constant part of my life. I at least owe you all a beer!
Thank you, August, for giving me a month of smiles and for laying a great foundation for the approaching 'season of the witch.' You did okay this month, kiddo.
Goodbye. August. You were a strange one. I think I'm going to miss you.
Things on the home front took a serious nose dive down this month. I'm not without fault in it but things have got to change for the sake of both of our sanity in this house. Things get said that leave lasting marks and that's not cool. She's got as much to work on with that as I do, she's got to come to terms with her gloom and unwillingness to even try and see if it's possible of have somewhat of a decent life without my dad. I know how much she's suffering but there has got to come a time when you realise you can't handle it, aren't handling it and reach out to the right people for help. She's still got a lot of life left in her, she deserves more than spending day after day in mourning. On my end, I need to cut her some slack and be a little more understanding and learn to walk away when she gets in her moods. There's plenty of room in this house, just walk away. I don't think it's too late but there is work to be done.
Things on the health front were sort of up and down. I got lazy this month, I didn't put as much effort into the dieting and getting firmed/toned up as I should have. Let's be honest, I did shit. Little walks here and there will not get up to Base Camp and will not make for a sexy cougar. There are enough ridiculous looking cougars out there stuffing themselves into clothes that make them look like sausages, I need to get my ass in gear.
That one is easy. The cool weather invigorates me and now that I can get the alien baby deflated, here I come gym and personal trainer. The want and the will is there and besides, we can't have Darkstar looking better than me when we get the video capability in the KMRL chatroom! He may be a pretty pretty princess but don't count the pretty pretty goonch out yet! Time to strap on the ankle weights and add them to the walk.
My own state of mind has actually been pretty good. I've made a few tough decisions and I'm not happy about them but I needed to do it.
One thing I truly believe is a friendship is a two way street. A friend, a true friend, should always be there when a friend is in need, no questions asked. If a friend is hurting, you go to them. You listen, you empathise without bullshitting, you don't offer advice or make judgment calls. You don't think about anything else you could be doing at the time because this is your friend and they're hurting and they need you. You don't go to them asking or looking for anything in return, you simply do this because it's what a friend does.
However. There has to be some give and take. One person can't always be the one talking. Sometimes the other friend would like someone to talk to, sometimes the other friend would like to be more than just the person turned to when things are critically bad and completely ignored otherwise. That's not a friendship.
I had to let something like that go a week or so ago. For all my many flaws I'm a loyal and good friend and I'm willing to be there whenever I'm needed when things are at their worst and I was but ya know what? I have things going on in my world too I might have liked to talk about or not be ignored when it's just a casual hello over AIM instead of listening to one in crisis over the phone. I would never turn anyone away who called me in crisis and who needed that shoulder but I'm not going to believe it comes with any true friendship.
Wasn't an easy call to make, I genuinely enjoyed that one conversation when you actually listened (maybe because you were stoned and drunk) but hey, I matter too. I hope in the course of our talks I helped you at least a tiny bit and I hope the situation we spent so much time discussing resolves for you in a way you're alright with. One of these days when the road trip heads south I will be showing up in your town and we'll share a beer to the shit life throws at us and the fact that internet people are in fact 'real.'
I probably made a ton of mistakes this month as well but at least I can say they were well thought out mistakes. *snickers* One friend made me realise it was time to get out of this self imposed exile I've put on myself and get back out there into the real world starting with adding the video to the KMRL chat so people can feel more connected to the hosts. I'm grateful for that although I have a feeling I've pissed this friend off since they left my group (yah, that stung) and have basically ignored me all day. I feel bad about that, this friend was very much the high point of the month of August and I really tried not to damage the friendship but I had to be honest with what I was thinking before I got into trouble and got myself hurt. There are only a handful of people in the world who have the power to hurt me. I've been through two MUDs, I've gotten tough but there are a few people who could hurt me and it becomes a problem when there's a chance of my getting hurt even though the other person did nothing wrong. Probably doesn't make much sense but it does to me and I'll know what I'm talking about when I come back in the end of September to compare it to the end of August. People who can hurt me scare the hell out of me.
I'm a Pisces through and through and one thing we Pisceans tend to do that isn't a good thing is create these little worlds and live in them. Only problem is, they're not real. Pisces are dreamers and idealists and I fall right into that. In this case, I really wanted things to be a certain way so in my head I convinced myself they were. Not fair to the other person involved who was always honest but it's really easy to hear what you want to hear when you really want to hear something. Sometimes it takes a jolt of reality to make a Pisces realise what they've been doing and retreat feeling slightly humiliated, slightly stupid and slightly relieved they didn't make an even bigger ass out of themselves. Pisces have problems differentiating fantasy from reality at times as the fantasy end is just so much more pretty and fun and happy but in reality it's a bad thing to do it and sucks. I'm sorry if I dropped any pressure on you, you didn't need it. You didn't lead me on, I led me on. I just hope the friendship survives, it's an important one. Don't shut me out. I'm already feeling shunned. I thought it was what you wanted, you hate drama and I wanted to spare you any. Please don't shut me out.
I re-kindled one very dear friendship that had been suffering badly and was on the brink of ending after 13 years. It wasn't pretty at times and I shed more than a few tears at some of the things that went back and forth but the roulette wheel seemed to be in my favour on this one and this is a friendship back on track. I love this person madly and life just wasn't as bright without them in it. I have high hope for this friendship as the cool weather approaches and the hibernation period comes to a close.
I need to get serious for September, this much I know. I need to get my soft ass less soft, I need to get a lot of shit done. One good thing about August was it made me feel stronger in my mind, more capable. I saw the differences in how I reacted to 12.5 hours of no power, a flooded room, a flooded basement, no internet, all the little things that at one time would have had me acting like a lunatic were handled with a cool resolve and lack of drama.
I feel focused and clear-headed and like I know what I want and actually have more than just a few scattered ideas on how to get there. August was a month of laying the groundwork for September which is a month of hardcore prepping for October when things really get going. I want to spend the majority of the month smiling and laughing and maybe even getting it right for a change and I feel like I can do it. I also need to get back to blogging more, my priorities have been all wonky during the day hours and I need to straighten that shit out.
Basically, here is what I need to do in September:
*Up the walks, add the weights
*Get to gym
*Use the Kinect stuff and treadmill
*Finish Darkstar's webstuff
*Complete cleaning of this room, new area rug
*Get webcam into KMRL chatroom
*Get SAM installed
*Get hair cut so it can grow out enough for Christmas extensions
*Finish the clothes sorting and re-doing gueatroom into Heatherland, Part 2
*Re-screen 4 windows
*Inspect the car
*Read at least three books
*3 hours for McKenna tapes, meditation, writing, thinking. No phone, no computer, no TV
*Clean the LAST 2000 songs
*Get through a whole month of THC shows with no excuses
*Improve things with the mother
*Be silly, laugh a lot, make others laugh and feel good.
*Recruit one new show to KMRL
*Haunt Brian David Whitman some more to pay his debt
*Pay Thomas back as he was gracious enough not to remind me that I overspent in August and didn't send that $50
It's a lot but it's a lot of little things I can take care of easily and then work on the rest.
I have a lot of plans for Autumn and Winter, they don't include sitting in Red Hick lamenting missing all the holiday festivities or friends who've flown in or not meeting people I've been talking to online for 10+ years who know me as well as the people in the real world or not taking that crazy KMRL Christmas card on Santa's lap or not adding the webcam so I can give people the finger for two hours and introduce the world to my cats.
It's time to start having fun in the real world again and I'm looking forward to the adventurous and/or crazy souls who want to be a part of it all. Some of you have been putting up with me and my batshit head for over twenty five years, some have spent the past ten years being a constant part of my life. I at least owe you all a beer!
Thank you, August, for giving me a month of smiles and for laying a great foundation for the approaching 'season of the witch.' You did okay this month, kiddo.
Serious Trustworthy Geek Needed, Possible Paying Job
I may be stubborn but I'm smart enough to know when I'm in over my head and it seems I'm there. I need help. I need a geek. Not just any geek. I need a geek I can trust to do two projects that could easily take me until the end of the world in 2012 to get done. I don't have a lot of money either but I'm sure between the three station owners we could get enough together to inspire someone to put the work into these projects. They may not even be as difficult as I'm making them out to be but I'm not a pro at this stuff.
Let me describe what I need done in as much detail as possible and hopefully something will come out of this.
PROJECT ONE: THE KMRL CHATROOM RE-VAMP
The KMRL Chatroom is currently using PCPIN.com which has been fine until now but it has a gabillion templates and I can't figure out how to do anything with them. What I'm looking to do is the following:
1. Change the layout of the main room to include video capability. I would rather not use Stickam or any of the other services, I would rather have our own stream going from our own whatever in the chatroom. This requires moving the chat window over a few inches, writing the code for the video capability and changing the list of people in the chat to a drop-down menu so it doesn't look cluttered.
2. We have a kid-friendly room but it has the same smileys and images as the main room and there are quite a few that are NOT kid-friendly. I need someone who can make it so we can have separate rooms with separate sets of images.
3.. Make the 'login with Facebook' work. I tried for weeks and couldn't do it.
I'm not hooked on PCPIN, I'm open to changing programs or something completely custom if it can do what we need it to do. I'd like to get the video stuff in so hosts can have the option of adding their webcams, I just can't figure it out.
That's one.
PROJECT TWO: SAM INSTALL:
This is the big one. SAM is a huge program from Spacial Audio we purchased a few years ago that never got set up. This is also where the trust issues come in.
The SAM install is going on my secondary hard drive. It's got 500gb of empty space so it's enough to store all the music and SAM. Before SAM can be installed there has to be a fully working mySQL install on the drive. I have never done this.
After the SQL is in and going, SAM itself has to be installed and configured and the .php pages it generates have to be checked and tweaked and it's just over my head. It would take me another two years to get it.
However... It requires granting someone remote access into my secondary drive to do the installing. That's where I start to get nervous. I've been burned before, I always used to say on the MUD it was easier to get into my pants than my source code and it's kind of the same here but I have to trust someone if I ever want things to come together and it's been far too long.
Info on SAM can be found her: http://spacial.com/sam-broadcaster/
So these are my two projects. I'm not in a crazed rush but I would love to see these things done and we're willing to pay for your time as I know it's not going to be too easy.
If you know a geek or are a geek, get in touch with me. It would take a HUGE ton of crap off my shoulders to know this was being done.
Thanks and VIVA LA GEEKS!
Let me describe what I need done in as much detail as possible and hopefully something will come out of this.
PROJECT ONE: THE KMRL CHATROOM RE-VAMP
The KMRL Chatroom is currently using PCPIN.com which has been fine until now but it has a gabillion templates and I can't figure out how to do anything with them. What I'm looking to do is the following:
1. Change the layout of the main room to include video capability. I would rather not use Stickam or any of the other services, I would rather have our own stream going from our own whatever in the chatroom. This requires moving the chat window over a few inches, writing the code for the video capability and changing the list of people in the chat to a drop-down menu so it doesn't look cluttered.
2. We have a kid-friendly room but it has the same smileys and images as the main room and there are quite a few that are NOT kid-friendly. I need someone who can make it so we can have separate rooms with separate sets of images.
3.. Make the 'login with Facebook' work. I tried for weeks and couldn't do it.
I'm not hooked on PCPIN, I'm open to changing programs or something completely custom if it can do what we need it to do. I'd like to get the video stuff in so hosts can have the option of adding their webcams, I just can't figure it out.
That's one.
PROJECT TWO: SAM INSTALL:
This is the big one. SAM is a huge program from Spacial Audio we purchased a few years ago that never got set up. This is also where the trust issues come in.
The SAM install is going on my secondary hard drive. It's got 500gb of empty space so it's enough to store all the music and SAM. Before SAM can be installed there has to be a fully working mySQL install on the drive. I have never done this.
After the SQL is in and going, SAM itself has to be installed and configured and the .php pages it generates have to be checked and tweaked and it's just over my head. It would take me another two years to get it.
However... It requires granting someone remote access into my secondary drive to do the installing. That's where I start to get nervous. I've been burned before, I always used to say on the MUD it was easier to get into my pants than my source code and it's kind of the same here but I have to trust someone if I ever want things to come together and it's been far too long.
Info on SAM can be found her: http://spacial.com/sam-broadcaster/
So these are my two projects. I'm not in a crazed rush but I would love to see these things done and we're willing to pay for your time as I know it's not going to be too easy.
If you know a geek or are a geek, get in touch with me. It would take a HUGE ton of crap off my shoulders to know this was being done.
Thanks and VIVA LA GEEKS!
Happy Ishiversary!
Four years ago yesterday we got Ishmael.
We were both feeling crappy over Catsby and Darkstar went looking a week later and as you can see in the video, Ishy found him.
Yes, Ishmael is from Moby Dick, Moby Dick is my 2nd favourite book ever so the name fit.
Four years later he's a strange cat, a sweet cat, a good cat, a loyal friend.
Much love, Ishy. Happy Ishiversary!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The Quote and its Origin
More people than I thought would even notice one little post have been asking me where I got the quote from that I posted last night, might as well keep it in the Warbles so it doesn't vanish in the ever-moving wall that is Facebook
It was written a few years ago as part of a novel I've been writing for a few years now. The novel is still in the process and for all I know probably will be. The quote just popped in my head last night as I was thinking about a person or three. Who isn't important, the words are what matters.
I'm touched that people read it and identified with it, if it gives even one of you a little bit of strength or personal empowerment then I'm doing something right here.
Thank you for asking.
'Looking over at him she smiled what felt like her first true smile in years. "I finally figured it out tonight" she said, "if you don't want me there are a few truly good men who just might. It really is just that simple. You may lead but you haven't won." With that, she turned and walked out of the room, leaving him alone with his thoughts and something new - a slight fear he might really lose her this time.'
It was written a few years ago as part of a novel I've been writing for a few years now. The novel is still in the process and for all I know probably will be. The quote just popped in my head last night as I was thinking about a person or three. Who isn't important, the words are what matters.
I'm touched that people read it and identified with it, if it gives even one of you a little bit of strength or personal empowerment then I'm doing something right here.
Thank you for asking.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Remembering the Great Catsby Once Again
(repost from last year, it said all I needed to say)
Two Three Four years ago yesterday today our sweet little kitten died. His name was the Great Catsby and he never had a chance. He was pulled from his mother too young, dumped in a cage and left to sit day after day in the litterbox with no one caring. They lied about how old he was and disregarded the fact that he needed to be in an experienced foster home for a few weeks and let him be adopted.
We only had him a week. He was loved, he was held, he was given toys and lots of pets. He loved to sit in my lap and catch the sun. The day before he got sick he was trying to steal my Doritos.
He collapsed and never came back. Official diagnosis was 'fading kitten syndrome' but I never really accepted that. The shelter did him wrong, the first vet did him wrong and took him off the fluids.
He was just a kitten and it was only a week but I loved him dearly and I still cry when I think of him, I still feel like I failed him too. I had him cremated and his ashes are in a tiny blue marble urn next to my bed by Claude.
I loved you, Catsby. I just wanted to say you are not forgotten, you will never be forgotten.
Even though three years have passed I still cry on occasion when I look at the urn or these pictures of him with Tempy. Little guy really got to me. Much love, Catsby.
We only had him a week. He was loved, he was held, he was given toys and lots of pets. He loved to sit in my lap and catch the sun. The day before he got sick he was trying to steal my Doritos.
He collapsed and never came back. Official diagnosis was 'fading kitten syndrome' but I never really accepted that. The shelter did him wrong, the first vet did him wrong and took him off the fluids.
He was just a kitten and it was only a week but I loved him dearly and I still cry when I think of him, I still feel like I failed him too. I had him cremated and his ashes are in a tiny blue marble urn next to my bed by Claude.
I loved you, Catsby. I just wanted to say you are not forgotten, you will never be forgotten.
Even though three years have passed I still cry on occasion when I look at the urn or these pictures of him with Tempy. Little guy really got to me. Much love, Catsby.
<-- Steal me!
