WebKittyn Warbles
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Endings
Some endings aren't bad things. I've had a lot of endings over the past few years and for the most part they were good. One guy who is better off if I'm not in his life as we're oil and water. One long-term girlfriend who turned into a total stranger and would rather choose cocaine over her family. Letting go of the bitterness and anger over my situation. Those are a few of the good ones, the ending of my dad's life is not a good thing. The end of normal kidney function is not a good thing. Balance, it's all about the balance.
One thing endings do is change you. They either make you stronger or you cave to them and they take over. Dealing with an ending is a challenge, a test of will and self control. When a job ends it can throw a life into total turmoil. When a relationship ends how many times do you just want to go running back to the person and try like hell to make it work? Child moving out of the house? How many parents find the end of 'childhood' hard to accept.
Where the hell am I going with this? No, I did not get fired. They don't fire you from disability unless you die or get better. I didn't end any relationships and am not looking to go running back into the arms of any exes. I have no kids to leave the nest.
I am, however, filing for a divorce. I am officially divorcing cigarettes once and for all.
I did it a few years back before my dad got sick and I lasted 7 months. I did it with the patch and it was a double win as I wasn't smoking and I was having AMAZING dreams of being next door neighbours to the Moody Blues and some female Japanese acrobats who were also high-class escorts. The patch worked and I felt better.
When my dad got sick I went right back to smoking. Stupid move. I started again because of him meanwhile my quitting was the only thing I had done that truly made him proud in years. I still have a little card he gave me saying he was proud of me. My father didn't throw that around lightly, it meant the world to me. But I started again.
Now, once and for all, it's time to make it real. It's time to divorce my 20+ year-long marriage to cigarettes.
This time scares me a bit. I can't use the patch. I can't use the gum. I can't suck a lozenge. I can't do in-office hypnosis for $200 a session. I refuse to substitute food for cigarettes, I'm trying to get my ass in shape, not turn into a blob trying to do something healthy. I tried a 2mg lozenge and it shot my blood pressure way into the danger zone in seconds, all of that stuff is out. I'm wary of e-cigs as they really don't know if they can further damage my already broken kidneys so I'm out of options.
And so it becomes a battle of will, of mind over matter. Admittedly I've let my mind get soft while I was wallowing in the muck. I can't recall the last time I issued a challenge to myself that really made me struggle. Yes I do, it was when everyone was telling me I would never be off dialysis but I knew I would be and I worked my ass off to get to that point. Willpower.
So many reasons to want to quit. Let me lay a few out:
1. Health. My kidneys have already turned on me, I don't need my lungs joining the party.
2. Fitness. Hard to walk/trek long distances if you can't breathe well.
3. I can't afford the damn things, paying 11 bucks a pack to kill myself is illogical, Captain.
4. I'm a slave to cigarettes. Oh no, do I have enough? Will I run out tonight? Gotta go get cigarettes...
5. The most important one for me - my dad would once again be proud.
I'm not totally alone in my venture, I've got the help of Paul McKenna's awesome hypnosis CDs and they do seem to work. I've read his book halfway through and the exercises make sense, everything in the book makes sense. The CD actually puts me in some trance state, as many times as I've listened to it I can't tell you what he says past a certain point until he yells "THREE TWO ONE" to bring me out at the end.
It's time to just do it. To issue a formal challenge to myself that will test every fiber of my strength and determination and mind power. I also picked a really rough week to do it but why not start at a hard time so I know what to expect.
I know it's not going to be easy but when the cravings hit I have to count on the fact that I can make my mind stronger than the cravings, I can will my mind (with the help of Dr. McKenna's exercises) to stop craving the cigarette. I remember when I was doing my 8 weeks in Albany Medical Center and my kidney specialist told me he was amazed at how strong I was, how most people in my shoes would be devouring the xanax they kept trying to give me that I never wanted because I felt it made me weak if I couldn't deal without drugs.
I need to make my dad proud. Doesn't matter that he's not here, he'd still be damn proud and that's enough for me. When I go visit him at Saratoga I want to go as a former smoker.
So as of now I am officially issuing a challenge to myself and calling myself out. Who's stronger, Heather? You or the cigarettes.
May the stronger force win.
One thing endings do is change you. They either make you stronger or you cave to them and they take over. Dealing with an ending is a challenge, a test of will and self control. When a job ends it can throw a life into total turmoil. When a relationship ends how many times do you just want to go running back to the person and try like hell to make it work? Child moving out of the house? How many parents find the end of 'childhood' hard to accept.
Where the hell am I going with this? No, I did not get fired. They don't fire you from disability unless you die or get better. I didn't end any relationships and am not looking to go running back into the arms of any exes. I have no kids to leave the nest.
I am, however, filing for a divorce. I am officially divorcing cigarettes once and for all.
I did it a few years back before my dad got sick and I lasted 7 months. I did it with the patch and it was a double win as I wasn't smoking and I was having AMAZING dreams of being next door neighbours to the Moody Blues and some female Japanese acrobats who were also high-class escorts. The patch worked and I felt better.
When my dad got sick I went right back to smoking. Stupid move. I started again because of him meanwhile my quitting was the only thing I had done that truly made him proud in years. I still have a little card he gave me saying he was proud of me. My father didn't throw that around lightly, it meant the world to me. But I started again.
Now, once and for all, it's time to make it real. It's time to divorce my 20+ year-long marriage to cigarettes.
This time scares me a bit. I can't use the patch. I can't use the gum. I can't suck a lozenge. I can't do in-office hypnosis for $200 a session. I refuse to substitute food for cigarettes, I'm trying to get my ass in shape, not turn into a blob trying to do something healthy. I tried a 2mg lozenge and it shot my blood pressure way into the danger zone in seconds, all of that stuff is out. I'm wary of e-cigs as they really don't know if they can further damage my already broken kidneys so I'm out of options.
And so it becomes a battle of will, of mind over matter. Admittedly I've let my mind get soft while I was wallowing in the muck. I can't recall the last time I issued a challenge to myself that really made me struggle. Yes I do, it was when everyone was telling me I would never be off dialysis but I knew I would be and I worked my ass off to get to that point. Willpower.
So many reasons to want to quit. Let me lay a few out:
1. Health. My kidneys have already turned on me, I don't need my lungs joining the party.
2. Fitness. Hard to walk/trek long distances if you can't breathe well.
3. I can't afford the damn things, paying 11 bucks a pack to kill myself is illogical, Captain.
4. I'm a slave to cigarettes. Oh no, do I have enough? Will I run out tonight? Gotta go get cigarettes...
5. The most important one for me - my dad would once again be proud.
I'm not totally alone in my venture, I've got the help of Paul McKenna's awesome hypnosis CDs and they do seem to work. I've read his book halfway through and the exercises make sense, everything in the book makes sense. The CD actually puts me in some trance state, as many times as I've listened to it I can't tell you what he says past a certain point until he yells "THREE TWO ONE" to bring me out at the end.
It's time to just do it. To issue a formal challenge to myself that will test every fiber of my strength and determination and mind power. I also picked a really rough week to do it but why not start at a hard time so I know what to expect.
I know it's not going to be easy but when the cravings hit I have to count on the fact that I can make my mind stronger than the cravings, I can will my mind (with the help of Dr. McKenna's exercises) to stop craving the cigarette. I remember when I was doing my 8 weeks in Albany Medical Center and my kidney specialist told me he was amazed at how strong I was, how most people in my shoes would be devouring the xanax they kept trying to give me that I never wanted because I felt it made me weak if I couldn't deal without drugs.
I need to make my dad proud. Doesn't matter that he's not here, he'd still be damn proud and that's enough for me. When I go visit him at Saratoga I want to go as a former smoker.
So as of now I am officially issuing a challenge to myself and calling myself out. Who's stronger, Heather? You or the cigarettes.
May the stronger force win.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Cleaning Music? What the Hell is Cleaning Music?
A few people have asked me what the hell I've been ranting about on FB the past few weeks (besides the deadbeat in California) with this cleaning music stuff. I figured I'd lay it out in one place so people can see and I don't look like a complete lunatic blathering on about something stupid. I mean yes, I'll still look like a complete lunatic but at least now the lunacy will be explained.
To put it frankly, we've been lazy. We being the KMRL owners. In this case it's mostly me though, I'll wear the hat for this. Lazy. La-ZYYYYYY.
Two years ago we bought this amazing program called SAM. I've written about it before so I won't go gushing again but it brings an internet radio station to the next level. Live streaming news at the top of the hour, no limits on the size of the default rotation, the ability for listeners to make requests off the default rotation without anyone being on, etc. It does everything and it took me a while to pay for it in installments but we finally got it. Problem is, we never installed it.
I knew I should have worked it out with Meathe before he left the station but there was always some other immediate pressing matter of code so it got put off. Now it's all on me and I've been putting it off and putting it off because it's a massive install and I'm not that skilled. First it requires my SQL to be installed and working wherever you install SAM. I've got SQL on my domains but this isn't going on a domain, it's not a domain program.
I've managed, with help from a friend or two, to figure out the best place to do the install is on my 2nd drive on this computer. It's 500gb and completely empty. Put the SQL, SAM and all the songs on the drive and then figure out how to allow all the hosts to have remote access to that drive on my computer. We'd keep songs in the current default locale for when my power goes out but when things are normal it's a solid plan.
There's one thing we absolutely MUST have in order before we can install SAM and that's a clean playlist. SAM auto-generates a web page with the full list of default rotation songs and unless you're content to look like a really sloppy station, all the songs should be in alphabetical order/correctly named. There is also something called 'tagging' which is back-end stuff the listener doesn't need to know about but the station has to have each song tagged so the artist can be paid their royalties for our playing their music.
Now in most cased when you rip a CD you get track titles in the rip and if the band has 'The" in the name it reads it from "The" and there are a gazillion bands whose names start with "The.." So instead of it looking like this: Tomboy - OK2BGAY.mp3 which is how it should look you get 07 Tomboy - OK2BGAY.mp3 with 07 being the track number. When your list is created automatically, it reads the 07 first so your playlist has all the songs with track numbers on top which looks like crap and makes for tons of doubles. Bad juju. Ugly juju.
I've been pretty good with my stuff, I've done a lot of renaming of my own songs but I admit I've gotten lazy. I also did a major song merge with Darkstar a month or so ago and he's worse than me. Not ONE song is tagged properly, there are track numbers in every song.... So now between his mess and my mess we have a master list of 11,276 songs all over the place. When an auto-list is generated it looks like this:
BIG MESS
I'm not putting that up for SAM to make a web page out of, I'd be embarrassed to put that mess up and call it KMRL. My head may be up my ass but that doesn't mean I've shat out my pride.
Leaves me one option. Clean the music. Make the list pretty and functional for SAM and for the listener when they're looking over what we've got.
So this is the process:
Open master list of songs. Each step is song by song, there is no bulk option.
1. Check if song is a double of one already cleaned and one with a track number to make it appear as if it's a different song.
2. Check if song is .mp3 or .wma and if it's .wma convert it to qualty level .mp3 with Soundforge.
3. Rename song if needed. If the artist or title is wrong, rename it. If there is a track number in the title, remove it. Turn 06 Voltaire - If I Only Were a Goth.mp3 to Thou Shalt Not - If I Only Were a Goth.mp3. Also make sure the - is spaced right or it throws off the order as well.
4. Open song in Winamp and check tags. Make sure ID1 and 2 are checked and make sure there are NO TRACK NUMBERS in the tags.
5. Clear song from Winamp.
6. Transfer now pristine song to new directory.
7. Repeat 11,275 times.
When I said I've been lazy I wasn't kidding, I've got 52 cleaned songs. 52. Out of all of them.
Darkstar is due up here next Sunday night, the plan was to spend a full day attempting a SAM install. He talks to me and keeps me from throwing the computer in the pond when things don't work.
This means I have to have all the songs cleaned by Sunday night. One shiny master list free of doubles and track numbers (and you people wonder why I'd rather spend my time posting pictures of awesome boots on FB).
I'm not complaining, it's like climbing the Mt. Everest of song cleaning and it's time to get my ass out of Base Camp. It's tedious and I'll probably drive you people batshit with me as I desperately try to get this done in a week and lay off the footwear.
Oh, did I forget to mention I've also set a 'quit date' for my divorce from cigarettes and it happens to be inside the window of song-cleaning? Can we say batshit, boys and girls? BatSHIT.
So there it is, SAM and clean music for the masses.
To put it frankly, we've been lazy. We being the KMRL owners. In this case it's mostly me though, I'll wear the hat for this. Lazy. La-ZYYYYYY.
Two years ago we bought this amazing program called SAM. I've written about it before so I won't go gushing again but it brings an internet radio station to the next level. Live streaming news at the top of the hour, no limits on the size of the default rotation, the ability for listeners to make requests off the default rotation without anyone being on, etc. It does everything and it took me a while to pay for it in installments but we finally got it. Problem is, we never installed it.
I knew I should have worked it out with Meathe before he left the station but there was always some other immediate pressing matter of code so it got put off. Now it's all on me and I've been putting it off and putting it off because it's a massive install and I'm not that skilled. First it requires my SQL to be installed and working wherever you install SAM. I've got SQL on my domains but this isn't going on a domain, it's not a domain program.
I've managed, with help from a friend or two, to figure out the best place to do the install is on my 2nd drive on this computer. It's 500gb and completely empty. Put the SQL, SAM and all the songs on the drive and then figure out how to allow all the hosts to have remote access to that drive on my computer. We'd keep songs in the current default locale for when my power goes out but when things are normal it's a solid plan.
There's one thing we absolutely MUST have in order before we can install SAM and that's a clean playlist. SAM auto-generates a web page with the full list of default rotation songs and unless you're content to look like a really sloppy station, all the songs should be in alphabetical order/correctly named. There is also something called 'tagging' which is back-end stuff the listener doesn't need to know about but the station has to have each song tagged so the artist can be paid their royalties for our playing their music.
Now in most cased when you rip a CD you get track titles in the rip and if the band has 'The" in the name it reads it from "The" and there are a gazillion bands whose names start with "The.." So instead of it looking like this: Tomboy - OK2BGAY.mp3 which is how it should look you get 07 Tomboy - OK2BGAY.mp3 with 07 being the track number. When your list is created automatically, it reads the 07 first so your playlist has all the songs with track numbers on top which looks like crap and makes for tons of doubles. Bad juju. Ugly juju.
I've been pretty good with my stuff, I've done a lot of renaming of my own songs but I admit I've gotten lazy. I also did a major song merge with Darkstar a month or so ago and he's worse than me. Not ONE song is tagged properly, there are track numbers in every song.... So now between his mess and my mess we have a master list of 11,276 songs all over the place. When an auto-list is generated it looks like this:
BIG MESS
I'm not putting that up for SAM to make a web page out of, I'd be embarrassed to put that mess up and call it KMRL. My head may be up my ass but that doesn't mean I've shat out my pride.
Leaves me one option. Clean the music. Make the list pretty and functional for SAM and for the listener when they're looking over what we've got.
So this is the process:
Open master list of songs. Each step is song by song, there is no bulk option.
1. Check if song is a double of one already cleaned and one with a track number to make it appear as if it's a different song.
2. Check if song is .mp3 or .wma and if it's .wma convert it to qualty level .mp3 with Soundforge.
3. Rename song if needed. If the artist or title is wrong, rename it. If there is a track number in the title, remove it. Turn 06 Voltaire - If I Only Were a Goth.mp3 to Thou Shalt Not - If I Only Were a Goth.mp3. Also make sure the - is spaced right or it throws off the order as well.
4. Open song in Winamp and check tags. Make sure ID1 and 2 are checked and make sure there are NO TRACK NUMBERS in the tags.
5. Clear song from Winamp.
6. Transfer now pristine song to new directory.
7. Repeat 11,275 times.
When I said I've been lazy I wasn't kidding, I've got 52 cleaned songs. 52. Out of all of them.
Darkstar is due up here next Sunday night, the plan was to spend a full day attempting a SAM install. He talks to me and keeps me from throwing the computer in the pond when things don't work.
This means I have to have all the songs cleaned by Sunday night. One shiny master list free of doubles and track numbers (and you people wonder why I'd rather spend my time posting pictures of awesome boots on FB).
I'm not complaining, it's like climbing the Mt. Everest of song cleaning and it's time to get my ass out of Base Camp. It's tedious and I'll probably drive you people batshit with me as I desperately try to get this done in a week and lay off the footwear.
Oh, did I forget to mention I've also set a 'quit date' for my divorce from cigarettes and it happens to be inside the window of song-cleaning? Can we say batshit, boys and girls? BatSHIT.
So there it is, SAM and clean music for the masses.
My Own Little World - Literally
A while back I officially shut down Time of Darkness, the MUID I've owned and run since 1998. It was just time, the world of MUDs has been fading for a while now and it's next to impossible to compete with WoW and the rest of the big games. I shut it down and let an era end. It was okay, ToD had a really long run - a lot longer than so many other MUDs. I had some amazing staff members and players and some have become lifelong friends.
A week or so ago I wanted to look at some stuff on ToD and grab some of Darkstar's RP info he was looking for so I got the place back up (with help).
Funny thing is, I've discovered being there is helping my head with all this coming out of the abyss stuff.
There's no one there, it's just me. I find it incredibly soothing to sit there with it in the background while cleaning music or whatever. Sometimes I'll just wander into a random room and st there and let it tick and watch the weather go by and it starts a whole stream of thoughts.
Maybe it's because it was such a good place for so long. It was a safe-haven and a place where I was truly among friends. Even empty it still resonates with 10 solid years of laughter and friendships and the sharing of secrets. I don't know what it is, I just know it is.
This is going to be a hard week for me. I'm alerting the world now this is going to be a hard week. I dread Father's Day and although I'm doing perfectly fine now, if I see one more sappy Hallmark type commercial I may just lose it. The deadbeat in California didn't come through so I expect there will be some sort of post this week where I kick myself over and over for not being able to do anything for my mother's birthday. Doesn't mean I'm regressing, just means it's a rough week but I'll come out of whatever funk I crawl into. I'll spend the week letting my friends make me laugh and posting more boots on FB and crying when I feel like it without bringing anyone else down.
I'll spend more time on ToD by myself playing thinking music and cleaning songs.
I smiled quite a few times today. Real ones, no fake grins.. Real smiles. I don't think one source of a big smile even intended to make me smile but he did anyway without knowing it. These are the little things I look for.
"In Inferno, nulla est redemptio"
A week or so ago I wanted to look at some stuff on ToD and grab some of Darkstar's RP info he was looking for so I got the place back up (with help).
Funny thing is, I've discovered being there is helping my head with all this coming out of the abyss stuff.
There's no one there, it's just me. I find it incredibly soothing to sit there with it in the background while cleaning music or whatever. Sometimes I'll just wander into a random room and st there and let it tick and watch the weather go by and it starts a whole stream of thoughts.
Maybe it's because it was such a good place for so long. It was a safe-haven and a place where I was truly among friends. Even empty it still resonates with 10 solid years of laughter and friendships and the sharing of secrets. I don't know what it is, I just know it is.
This is going to be a hard week for me. I'm alerting the world now this is going to be a hard week. I dread Father's Day and although I'm doing perfectly fine now, if I see one more sappy Hallmark type commercial I may just lose it. The deadbeat in California didn't come through so I expect there will be some sort of post this week where I kick myself over and over for not being able to do anything for my mother's birthday. Doesn't mean I'm regressing, just means it's a rough week but I'll come out of whatever funk I crawl into. I'll spend the week letting my friends make me laugh and posting more boots on FB and crying when I feel like it without bringing anyone else down.
I'll spend more time on ToD by myself playing thinking music and cleaning songs.
I smiled quite a few times today. Real ones, no fake grins.. Real smiles. I don't think one source of a big smile even intended to make me smile but he did anyway without knowing it. These are the little things I look for.
"In Inferno, nulla est redemptio"
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Strange Love/Cyber Sex Quiz Thing I Saw, No Tags but Feel Free. Back to Serious Shit After This!
I should have spent the day cleaning at least 3500 songs but instead I spent it searching out and posting boots and shoes in an album on FB. At least when I procrastinate I do it well.
I should be cleaning music now but I saw this internet quiz/meme thing on a friend's blog and it caught my attention enough that I had filled out all the questions before I realised I was doing it so I might as well post it.
Back to self reflections and revelations after this temporary reprieve from all things deep.
I'm not tagging anyone, some of this stuff is personal stuff. I don't mind answering but I'm not putting anyone else on the spot. If you do decide to do it, please tag me so I can read your answers. I don't usually grab these things but this one was interesting. Some of these questions are pretty racy.
Have you ever:
Met someone offline from the computer?
Yes I have.
Flirted online with someone you've never met?
Yes I have. Not very many but a few.
Crushed on someone you've never met offline?
Yah, I can think of three and no, I won't name them.
Fallen in love with someone you've never met offline?
Hrm. I'd have to say I think so. Twice. I'm not sure if it was really love though, I don't think I'd know 'love' if it bit me in the ass.
Do you believe you can really love someone before you meet them?
I believe you can feel like you love someone before you meet them but it doesn't become real until you look that person in the eyes and still feel the same feelings (and no, camming is not the same as looking someone in the eyes who is standing a foot away from you).
Been turned on while typing/talking to someone online?
Yah, once or twice. I'll cop to that.
Been turned on while typing/talking to someone online and then masturbated thinking of that person?
No, it didn't get that hot but I've also been told I'm frigid.
If yes, did you tell that person?
N/A, sorry.
Had cyber sex where you both participated for real, offline (masturbated)?
Negative.
Had cyber sex where only you participated for real, offline (masturbated)?
Negative.
Had cyber sex where only the other person participated for real, offline (masturbated)?
That's a yes, Captain.
If no to any of the above three questions, would you?
Never say never, anything can happen.
Felt in a committed relationship with someone online?
Sort of. Probably because I wanted it to be but it wasn't a relationship really. Not sure what it was but I felt committed to it so yes.
Had your heart broken by someone online?
Fortunately no. So far.
Broken someone's heart online?
I'm not full of myself enough to say yes. Yes, I've caused hurt that I deeply regret but I can't be presumptuous enough to say I broke their heart. That's a strong claim.
Would you meet someone you had been flirting with online?
Yes I would. After a while. If they really impressed me. Stimulate my mind, worry about my body later.
Would you sleep with them?
Not out of the question..
Slept with someone you met online?
Negative, Captain. Again, not saying it'll never happen but so far it's a no.
Ended up dating someone you met online offline in the 'real world?'
As in actually spending time with said person? No, no I have not. No objections to the idea though with the right person.
Marrying them?
No, I'm not married.
Do you use online dating sites?
No, no I do not.
If yes, have you had success with them?
No but I have a few friends who have and even some who ended up getting married.
Do you believe online flirting/cyber sex is considered cheating?
I do.
Why or why not?
I can only go off how I feel and I wouldn't want someone who I was with and who claimed to love me wanking off to someone else's face or words. Save all that for me.
Have you ever engaged in any sort of flirting or cyber sex with someone who is married orin a committed relationship?
I have, I admit it.
Did it go anywhere?
No but if he had said 'come on down to ******** and meet me at the Notell Motel for one night of whatever' and then he went back to his wife I'd have been there in a heartbeat.
Do you look at online porn?
No I do not.
Have you stripped on a webcam for someone?
No I have not.
Have you engaged in webcam sex/mutual masturbation with someone?
No I have not.
If not, would you?
I don't know. I could be tempted into it for the arousal value but I think I'd be too paranoid the other person was recording it and I'd end up seeing it splattered all over Facebook in a year..
Reconnected with an ex on a social media site?
Reconnect as in talk to? Yes, more than one. Reconnect as it meet up with offline? No. Although I'm coming to Scarsdale soon so watch out there.
Got back together with an ex through a social media site?
No, all the quality exes are in happy marriages and one looks like Elvis when Elvis was at his worst.
Recieved naked/sexy photos from someone you know online?
No, no weiners here.
Sent naked/sexy photos to someone you know online?
Negative.
If not, would you?
I would have to really really reallllllllllly trust the person and I don't know if I could trust anyone that much.
Specifically went looking for a relationship online?
No, not why I'm online.
Speicifically went looking for a booty call online?
Not really the booty call type, sorry.
And there it is.. Oy. Remember to tag me if you do it and now, back to the serious stuff. Or more boots.
I should be cleaning music now but I saw this internet quiz/meme thing on a friend's blog and it caught my attention enough that I had filled out all the questions before I realised I was doing it so I might as well post it.
Back to self reflections and revelations after this temporary reprieve from all things deep.
I'm not tagging anyone, some of this stuff is personal stuff. I don't mind answering but I'm not putting anyone else on the spot. If you do decide to do it, please tag me so I can read your answers. I don't usually grab these things but this one was interesting. Some of these questions are pretty racy.
Have you ever:
Met someone offline from the computer?
Yes I have.
Flirted online with someone you've never met?
Yes I have. Not very many but a few.
Crushed on someone you've never met offline?
Yah, I can think of three and no, I won't name them.
Fallen in love with someone you've never met offline?
Hrm. I'd have to say I think so. Twice. I'm not sure if it was really love though, I don't think I'd know 'love' if it bit me in the ass.
Do you believe you can really love someone before you meet them?
I believe you can feel like you love someone before you meet them but it doesn't become real until you look that person in the eyes and still feel the same feelings (and no, camming is not the same as looking someone in the eyes who is standing a foot away from you).
Been turned on while typing/talking to someone online?
Yah, once or twice. I'll cop to that.
Been turned on while typing/talking to someone online and then masturbated thinking of that person?
No, it didn't get that hot but I've also been told I'm frigid.
If yes, did you tell that person?
N/A, sorry.
Had cyber sex where you both participated for real, offline (masturbated)?
Negative.
Had cyber sex where only you participated for real, offline (masturbated)?
Negative.
Had cyber sex where only the other person participated for real, offline (masturbated)?
That's a yes, Captain.
If no to any of the above three questions, would you?
Never say never, anything can happen.
Felt in a committed relationship with someone online?
Sort of. Probably because I wanted it to be but it wasn't a relationship really. Not sure what it was but I felt committed to it so yes.
Had your heart broken by someone online?
Fortunately no. So far.
Broken someone's heart online?
I'm not full of myself enough to say yes. Yes, I've caused hurt that I deeply regret but I can't be presumptuous enough to say I broke their heart. That's a strong claim.
Would you meet someone you had been flirting with online?
Yes I would. After a while. If they really impressed me. Stimulate my mind, worry about my body later.
Would you sleep with them?
Not out of the question..
Slept with someone you met online?
Negative, Captain. Again, not saying it'll never happen but so far it's a no.
Ended up dating someone you met online offline in the 'real world?'
As in actually spending time with said person? No, no I have not. No objections to the idea though with the right person.
Marrying them?
No, I'm not married.
Do you use online dating sites?
No, no I do not.
If yes, have you had success with them?
No but I have a few friends who have and even some who ended up getting married.
Do you believe online flirting/cyber sex is considered cheating?
I do.
Why or why not?
I can only go off how I feel and I wouldn't want someone who I was with and who claimed to love me wanking off to someone else's face or words. Save all that for me.
Have you ever engaged in any sort of flirting or cyber sex with someone who is married orin a committed relationship?
I have, I admit it.
Did it go anywhere?
No but if he had said 'come on down to ******** and meet me at the Notell Motel for one night of whatever' and then he went back to his wife I'd have been there in a heartbeat.
Do you look at online porn?
No I do not.
Have you stripped on a webcam for someone?
No I have not.
Have you engaged in webcam sex/mutual masturbation with someone?
No I have not.
If not, would you?
I don't know. I could be tempted into it for the arousal value but I think I'd be too paranoid the other person was recording it and I'd end up seeing it splattered all over Facebook in a year..
Reconnected with an ex on a social media site?
Reconnect as in talk to? Yes, more than one. Reconnect as it meet up with offline? No. Although I'm coming to Scarsdale soon so watch out there.
Got back together with an ex through a social media site?
No, all the quality exes are in happy marriages and one looks like Elvis when Elvis was at his worst.
Recieved naked/sexy photos from someone you know online?
No, no weiners here.
Sent naked/sexy photos to someone you know online?
Negative.
If not, would you?
I would have to really really reallllllllllly trust the person and I don't know if I could trust anyone that much.
Specifically went looking for a relationship online?
No, not why I'm online.
Speicifically went looking for a booty call online?
Not really the booty call type, sorry.
And there it is.. Oy. Remember to tag me if you do it and now, back to the serious stuff. Or more boots.
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Limitations, Frustrations, Clarity and No Clue What’s Next
So where were we? Oh yah, that's right, We had just figured out I make a crapload of mistakes. It's all got me thinking though and I suppose that's a good thing.
I really have to send mega props out to my friends who have stuck with me over the past three years. I hardly knew the person I became and I'm damn lucky I didn't alienate or chase away every close friend I had. There were a few casualties and I genuinely regret those, when you lose a member of your inner circle it's definitely a loss. I'm lucky I have the ones who rode the train with me through Crazyville. I think we can all safely get off the train now.
I can honestly say it's taken me three years to finally and fully come to terms with everything. It's a long time but it's not too long when you consider I had to deal with going from healthy to end stage kidney failure due to no fault of mine immediately followed by the death of my father. It changes people. I didn't want to accept any of it so instead I pushed away or froze out the people closest to me when they tried to offer support or words of kindness. Acknowledging it made it all real and I desperately wanted to live in denial. I couldn't explain it at the time as I didn't even know what my problem was but I get it now.
I've still got a long way to go but I'm out of the dark period. Scarred and wounded and changed for life but stronger. I think. I've come to terms with the kidneys. It's a pain in the ass having to deal with the throwing up and the bad days but there are an equal number of good days. I've started working out and eating better and working on getting my ass in shape so I can go play cougar and that helps the overall kidney health. I'll know more mid July when the major test results come back. I've come to accept that I have this flaw now and those close to me have been saints about it and have stopped walking on eggshells in what they say. They let me cry when the frustration takes over and don't judge.
I'm still not okay with my dad's death. I'm comforted knowing I'll finally be going to the gravesite soon but also terrified. I don't know if it's going to help me or make me stroke out on the spot. While I can't say I've learned how to deal with his being gone, I've learned to accept his being gone. I can talk about him and think about him and remember the good times now without bawling my eyes out and that's huge. He'll be my biggest motivation to quit smoking, he was so proud of me the first time I did it.
I've spent the past two years digging myself deep into a hole and not caring. Not wanting to go out or do anything social, not caring when people went in and out of my life, not caring if I was self-sabotaging myself mentally and physically with what I was eating, not wanting to change or do anything, not wanting to accept that my life had changed so fucken completely and I had absolutely no say in it. A lot of wallowing in self pity and alienating everyone who tried to get close.
Facebook actually helped a lot. Re-connecting with so so so many people made me re-think my hermit life choice. These are the people that have known me forever, long before there were kidney problems and pretty much any problems. It made me realise just how many people I've crossed paths with from so many different areas (MUDs, three different camps, growing up in Mt. Vernon, Riverdale, Thornton-Donovan, Mercy, Pat's, the CB, ex boyfriends and lovers, etc) and to them it was like there were no changes. I think I began to understand it wasn't too late when the same people I spent so much time with still wanted to be friends, to hang out, to tryst, to just talk.
Somewhere along the way I stopped letting all that happened to me define me. I remembered I was a person with so much more to me than broken kidneys and a gut-tearing sadness over the loss of my dad. Somewhere along the way I stopped playing ice queen and decided it was okay to let people in and be honest and open with what I'm feeling, even when it's sad or makes me look weak. I have real issues admitting weakness to people, I always have. I've always had control of my life, to completely lose all control over my circumstances wrecked me.
I've been noticing the small changes lately. I've been smiling more. I genuinely felt like a real shithead for the things I talked about in my mea culpa post. I'm picking up the phone when people call instead of looking at it when it rings. I'm answering IMs and find myself wanting to talk to people. The pills the stomach doctor gave me have cut the throwing up way way way down and I find I have a bit of energy these days. I hit the food store tonight and it was all healthy, good for me food. I'm pushing myself as much as the kidneys will allow and then a little more when it comes to exercise. I'm finding myself making definite plans for Fall that do NOT include sitting in the house or declining invitations to go out.
I'm waking up not hating the fact that it's a new day and honestly, it's been a long time since I've felt that. I've re-discovered my laugh and my sense of humour that doesn't involve cutting other people down because I'm fucken miserable. I've become very open with the mistakes I've made and the stupid choices I made.
It's not all puppies and peaches, don't get me wrong. I still get hit with massive waves of sadness out of nowhere over my dad and cry like a baby. I still get emotional (even though I know it's partially the toxins messing with the emotions) after a nasty throw up session, the reality of impending kidney transplants is daunting and sometimes it terrifies me. The difference is now I don't keep it to myself and turn my back to the people who truly care and truly want to be a part of my life even if involves talk of violent throwing up and debates over whether refusing dialysis is suicide or not. I walk into the arms of those who care instead of running the other way. That's a huge huge HUGE change.
I can't do it alone. I get that now. I'm strong, I'm one of the strongest mental people I know. This doesn't mean I can do this alone and it doesn't mean I have to be strong all the time. It's okay to lose it now and then and cry and let someone else be the strong one. It's okay to be imperfect and screwed up.
I haven't made it easy for a lot of people over the past couple of years, I can only thank them all a gazillion times for seeing something in me I didn't see and not giving up on me. I can only hope that the changes I feel going on are enough that these people know I am fully aware of what it's been like being a part of Heather's world for the past three years. I can only hope the invitations don't stop coming as it won't be long before I surprise you people with a yes.
It's all fucken weird. I'm not "WebKittyn" anymore, that was the person I was before any of this happened. I'm not the miserable hermit I've been for the past three years. I'm not sure I know myself now and Christ does that sound like corny psychobabble twaddle but it's true. A lot of me is still the same but so much isn't. I think I'm liking the evolution, I think I've been a nicer, more open and accessible person lately who accepts concern and emotion from others. I've got a long way to go before I'm satisfied with myself but it's not a solitary journey anymore. I know I've got a lot to work on, I'm actually looking forward to whatever comes next.
Life really is ever-changing, isn't it. Here's to the next stage and admitting/accepting it all, the good AND the bad. And doing it with people who really care. I'll get there, I have a hunch.
I really have to send mega props out to my friends who have stuck with me over the past three years. I hardly knew the person I became and I'm damn lucky I didn't alienate or chase away every close friend I had. There were a few casualties and I genuinely regret those, when you lose a member of your inner circle it's definitely a loss. I'm lucky I have the ones who rode the train with me through Crazyville. I think we can all safely get off the train now.
I can honestly say it's taken me three years to finally and fully come to terms with everything. It's a long time but it's not too long when you consider I had to deal with going from healthy to end stage kidney failure due to no fault of mine immediately followed by the death of my father. It changes people. I didn't want to accept any of it so instead I pushed away or froze out the people closest to me when they tried to offer support or words of kindness. Acknowledging it made it all real and I desperately wanted to live in denial. I couldn't explain it at the time as I didn't even know what my problem was but I get it now.
I've still got a long way to go but I'm out of the dark period. Scarred and wounded and changed for life but stronger. I think. I've come to terms with the kidneys. It's a pain in the ass having to deal with the throwing up and the bad days but there are an equal number of good days. I've started working out and eating better and working on getting my ass in shape so I can go play cougar and that helps the overall kidney health. I'll know more mid July when the major test results come back. I've come to accept that I have this flaw now and those close to me have been saints about it and have stopped walking on eggshells in what they say. They let me cry when the frustration takes over and don't judge.
I'm still not okay with my dad's death. I'm comforted knowing I'll finally be going to the gravesite soon but also terrified. I don't know if it's going to help me or make me stroke out on the spot. While I can't say I've learned how to deal with his being gone, I've learned to accept his being gone. I can talk about him and think about him and remember the good times now without bawling my eyes out and that's huge. He'll be my biggest motivation to quit smoking, he was so proud of me the first time I did it.
I've spent the past two years digging myself deep into a hole and not caring. Not wanting to go out or do anything social, not caring when people went in and out of my life, not caring if I was self-sabotaging myself mentally and physically with what I was eating, not wanting to change or do anything, not wanting to accept that my life had changed so fucken completely and I had absolutely no say in it. A lot of wallowing in self pity and alienating everyone who tried to get close.
Facebook actually helped a lot. Re-connecting with so so so many people made me re-think my hermit life choice. These are the people that have known me forever, long before there were kidney problems and pretty much any problems. It made me realise just how many people I've crossed paths with from so many different areas (MUDs, three different camps, growing up in Mt. Vernon, Riverdale, Thornton-Donovan, Mercy, Pat's, the CB, ex boyfriends and lovers, etc) and to them it was like there were no changes. I think I began to understand it wasn't too late when the same people I spent so much time with still wanted to be friends, to hang out, to tryst, to just talk.
Somewhere along the way I stopped letting all that happened to me define me. I remembered I was a person with so much more to me than broken kidneys and a gut-tearing sadness over the loss of my dad. Somewhere along the way I stopped playing ice queen and decided it was okay to let people in and be honest and open with what I'm feeling, even when it's sad or makes me look weak. I have real issues admitting weakness to people, I always have. I've always had control of my life, to completely lose all control over my circumstances wrecked me.
I've been noticing the small changes lately. I've been smiling more. I genuinely felt like a real shithead for the things I talked about in my mea culpa post. I'm picking up the phone when people call instead of looking at it when it rings. I'm answering IMs and find myself wanting to talk to people. The pills the stomach doctor gave me have cut the throwing up way way way down and I find I have a bit of energy these days. I hit the food store tonight and it was all healthy, good for me food. I'm pushing myself as much as the kidneys will allow and then a little more when it comes to exercise. I'm finding myself making definite plans for Fall that do NOT include sitting in the house or declining invitations to go out.
I'm waking up not hating the fact that it's a new day and honestly, it's been a long time since I've felt that. I've re-discovered my laugh and my sense of humour that doesn't involve cutting other people down because I'm fucken miserable. I've become very open with the mistakes I've made and the stupid choices I made.
It's not all puppies and peaches, don't get me wrong. I still get hit with massive waves of sadness out of nowhere over my dad and cry like a baby. I still get emotional (even though I know it's partially the toxins messing with the emotions) after a nasty throw up session, the reality of impending kidney transplants is daunting and sometimes it terrifies me. The difference is now I don't keep it to myself and turn my back to the people who truly care and truly want to be a part of my life even if involves talk of violent throwing up and debates over whether refusing dialysis is suicide or not. I walk into the arms of those who care instead of running the other way. That's a huge huge HUGE change.
I can't do it alone. I get that now. I'm strong, I'm one of the strongest mental people I know. This doesn't mean I can do this alone and it doesn't mean I have to be strong all the time. It's okay to lose it now and then and cry and let someone else be the strong one. It's okay to be imperfect and screwed up.
I haven't made it easy for a lot of people over the past couple of years, I can only thank them all a gazillion times for seeing something in me I didn't see and not giving up on me. I can only hope that the changes I feel going on are enough that these people know I am fully aware of what it's been like being a part of Heather's world for the past three years. I can only hope the invitations don't stop coming as it won't be long before I surprise you people with a yes.
It's all fucken weird. I'm not "WebKittyn" anymore, that was the person I was before any of this happened. I'm not the miserable hermit I've been for the past three years. I'm not sure I know myself now and Christ does that sound like corny psychobabble twaddle but it's true. A lot of me is still the same but so much isn't. I think I'm liking the evolution, I think I've been a nicer, more open and accessible person lately who accepts concern and emotion from others. I've got a long way to go before I'm satisfied with myself but it's not a solitary journey anymore. I know I've got a lot to work on, I'm actually looking forward to whatever comes next.
Life really is ever-changing, isn't it. Here's to the next stage and admitting/accepting it all, the good AND the bad. And doing it with people who really care. I'll get there, I have a hunch.
"The casement window blows open. The nightmare has eluded the guards. It's over the spiked wall and it's in here with you. The lights go out. The temperature drops sharply. The bones in your body sigh. You're all alone with it. Circling with your back to the wall. Hey, don't be a nasty little coward; face it and disembowel it. You've got time. You've always had time, but the fear slowed you, and you were overcome. But this is the hour that stretches...and you've got a chance. After all, it's only your consciense come to kill you. Stop shivering and put up your dukes. You might beat it this time, now that you know you have some breathing space. For in this special hour anything that has ever happened will happen again. Except, this time it's turn to risk it all."
<-- Steal me!
