WebKittyn Warbles
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Good Riddance 2004!
And don't come back again. Ok, so it wasn't a horrible year but it sure as hell wasn't a productive year for the most part.
I do this every year figuring one of these years it has to sink in to even my thick head. All the grand plans and ideas I had at the start of the year that I didn't get done.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of talking about things instead of getting them done. An entire year has gone by, 365 days have gone by and I didn't complete so much as one thing I spend to much time talking about.
What are these things? The quick list would be:
The MUD
Kalilyn.com still has blah blah and old layout
Timeofdarkness.com is still incomplete
BlogsOfRoleplay.com is still not complete
BlogsOfRealplay.com is nothing
Thedarkstar.net is farrr from complete and big
EnchantedEidolons.com is not even born yet.
LoneWolfBooks.com is not complete
TheUnofficialSiriusBlog.com is not even born yet
NYTalkradio.com is nothing
Pink bedroom spent an entire year a storage room
The Ebay stuff is piled to the ceiling
Did not get the implant I need
That's just the quick list, I could easily expand on it but
those are the important things. Seven of the above listed
things are money makers with money I'm not making.
I can't place total blame on any one thing or person, this includes myself. Yah, some of it was Gotard. Yah, some of it was me allowing myself to spend time away from what I *needed* to be doing. Yah, some of it was just plain ole laziness. Yah, some of it was outside stress. Does me no good to point blame anymore, only creates further distraction and that's bad juju. I have made a few resolutions. I hate the word resolution though, it connotes pressure.
Being up here at my parents house gives me more time for quiet thought than I have at home. Hearing Gotard on the phone and hearing that he might actually be for real this time allows for a modicum of optimism.
But even with that, I've accepted it's not my success or failure either way. I can only do what I've been doing, or was doing before I stopped doing, and hope that he gets it. I hope he does get it because even with the doubt I never stopped with my believing it is possible. He's got something, it's been there for 20 years. I can only hope his 2005 is a clear one and that what I am hearing lasts past the dreaded 7 day mark.
But it's not my success if he does and it's not my failure if he doesn't. This leads to a big thing I'm giving up for 2005: Guilt. I'm giving up trying to be all things to everyone, I tried in 2004 and ended up forgetting myself in there.
I can't continue my life the way it is. It's not drama, it's not anything. It's just a statement. I'm getting too damn old and while I'm far from dead, it has to change. I need the financial stability. I need to be self-supportive and not just he one who comes in and ties up the loose ends or covers remaining bills with her credit cards. It's eaten away at my psyche and I've let it.
I need, when I get back to Dobbs, to tackle the house stuff first or I'll never be able to organise anything. Gotard has been more than good with that, volunteering to help and do the majority of the heavy work. I need the space that
an extra room brings, I've got too much crap in the office and while I've never been much on feng shui, it's a mess. I need to break each of the sites and the mud down into the folders that are just sitting under the desk and use the crap I HAD to have from Staples that's sitting on the chest.
I need to pick up the work ethic I've always had. I was always staying late at ETS and Mercy, I loved having things done in advance and I was damn good at it. I've lost this ability to concentrate. If I'm going to incorporate and call myself a business, I need to act like one. I need to put the same 8 hours a day into my stuff as any employee does for work. That's just the minimum. I should be doing more, I have the ability to work through the night when I am at my best but I don't.
I have to stand up for myself a bit more than I have. I'm not looking to be the next Donald Trump, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be self sufficient and I'm giving up guilt for wanting this. Maybe it does keep me off the mud, maybe it does keep me off instant messagers, maybe it does keep me on the mud but quiet. None of this is anything I need to feel bad about. The mud is staffed with amazing Immortals and anyone who claims to be a friend would want to see me finally able to smile because I've gone and finished something.
That's something else I have to work on. The all things to everyone stuff. This past year I've felt guilty because I was working on some of the above mentioned stuff, I've felt like a 900 pound financial gorilla on the back of the Gotard, I've felt like a bitch for insisting on literacy on the mud. I've allowed the wants/issues/attitudes of others to actually influence my actions. When the hell did that happen? When the hell did I become easily swayed?
I cried too much in 2004, there were way too many tears and way too many bad days/nights. I don't want to cry more than the minimum this year. I'm not the greatest person in the world but I don't deserve night after night of tears.
I need to believe in myself again. Just because none of this stuff is done doesn't mean I can't do it. I'm still breathing, it's not too late. I just need to learn once again how to focus and work eith blinders on.
My birthday is March 19th. I can realistically see it all being done by March 19th except possibly the mud and that would be fine. The mud isn't a money making venture and if that was done by the Summer then I would be thrilled. The sites really could be done and it gives me a tingle of excitement to think about them being done.
To be continued
<-- Steal me!
