Friday, June 04, 2010

Oh Hell No

H:

Hi. I know you read my journal as he's referenced that fact once or twice, so I figure this'll be a good place to start, where you can find it without me forcing myself into your space. I know you two have been talking again lately. I know you're poking at him wondering what's going on. I know you're still interested. I know he's working his own stuff out. I don't know where things between you two will go, but I think there are some things you should know going in so that you, too, can make an informed decision.

What I don't need is some ego crazy bitch telling me what I need. My space? Honey, you can't fit that big ass of yours in my space. If you were really interested in your 'good' intent it would have been email, not there for attention seeking purposes.

First, I suspect the above says something about how much he and I are communicating. It's really important right now. Well, it's important all the time, but it feels more so right now given that, for a little while there, we weren't communicating much at all. He was hiding you from me, which isn't good. He was just plain hiding. You were his escape when we fell into a rut and depression was eating us both up, when he was feeling there was no way out of the hole we kept on digging for ourselves. But really, just because you were an escape doesn't mean that there aren't real feelings there. I can't speak his heart, but I do know you've always filled a niche I don't. I'm okay with that. I'm NOT okay with him hiding you, though. So that's something you need to keep in mind if you're pursuing a relationship with him: he's keeping me informed. This is very, very important to the health of our relationship, to the health of any relationship. There isn't going to be any sneaking, and there won't be any secrets. That said, just because I know he's talking with you, that you make him happy, doesn't mean he's going to tell me every little thing you're talking about. It's not the substance of what you're sharing that's important, but knowing that it's going on. That's all I need. It's not perfect privacy, but it's the best I can offer.

First, you're nuts. This shit's been the same for five years, give or take a month. Your rut crap is just that - crap. I've been hearing the exact same words for five years, the same phrases, the same all of it. Just because you want to colour reality a rose tinted shade doesn't make it real. Offer? Is he a commodity you give away? Who died and left you Goddess of all? You demand no secrets. That control shit doesn't work here.

Obviously he's not keeping you informed if your information is my wanting to pursue a relationship. I did want my friend back but I told him point out there was a lot of damage done and who knew if we could even get the friendship back.

Who the hell are you to declare no secrets? You don't have the power you think you have to make those rules. Hiding what? A friendship? His so-called declarations of love I never believed anyway?

Second, I don't hate you. I don't even know you. I'm not sure I want to, honestly. But I don't hate you. I hate that he lied to me about you, but that's not your fault. Even so, I'm not sure I'm particularly sorry about hurting you. I shouldn't have done it, but I was angry and justified in my anger. You were just the easy, obvious target. I just don't think acknowledging that you didn't particularly deserve it is the same as offering a sincere apology.

Second, you're nuts. You went to a blog you had no business in, pretended to be him and basically said I sent him to jail with my mind and fuck off and die but you didn't have the nerve to say it was you. You're nuts. I don't want an apology, you acted like a rabid dog and it says a lot about who you are.

As does your choice of words. Maybe 'tail chasing' is what you're into but I find it and you common and crude. Whatever our friendship was, it was never 'tail chasing.' You really are the low end of the sophistication scale, aren't you.

Third, he loves me. It's not just about "what a horrible process [it is] to get these supervision things transferred." That doesn't even factor, even if that's the easy anchor when one is depressed and trying to find reasons not to run away. That's not to say he doesn't love you. Frankly, I'm not sure how he feels about you as I don't think he's really worked that out himself yet. I'm just saying that he isn't leaving me for you, not because he feels tied down but because he's happy here. Sure, there are problems sometimes, but we're pretty good about working them out. We've only had a couple big fights in seven years. Yeah, you've been one of them. One. This time around, there wasn't much fighting. Even that one five years ago was more about his bad behavior and giving up on himself than you. You're not so bad. You're someone he confides in when he's feeling down and confused, when he needs to feel like there's something better than whatever's not going right over here. You're a good friend. I know he values you. So far as I'm concerned, you're welcome in his life, but it's ultimately up to the two of you to figure out where you fit. I don't mind if there's some romance going on, just know that his life here (and the wife that goes with it) is the priority. I'll try not to be greedy. The more I know what's going on with you two, honestly, the easier that will be.

Third, you're nuts. You keep trying to use this anchor shit like it's the first time I've heard it. Don't you get it? I've been hearing it for FIVE years. How he settled. How he didn't reach. Of course he loves you, he married you but stop with the bullshit. I let you win five years ago. I knew before you of his early release but I didn't make the move. You only saw one side of the letters. I let you win.

Not leaving you??? What the fuck has he been feeding you?? We were FRIENDS. We stopped talking because he kept telling me he loved me and it weirded me out because every time I asked about you he ran off and hid in games. I NEVER said I was in love, I loved him dearly as a friend and member of my inner circle but leaving you never came up. Us in a relationship never came up. I said from the start I found the whole situation odd.

Just an escape? For five years? I think you need to stop kidding yourself because you don't like the truth. None of this is new, none of the words, none of the phrases, none of the so-called emotion. Have you been in the same rut for five years? Nothing wrong with settling, it works quite well for some people.

I chose not to pursue. I told him for the longest not to call me. I told him I couldn't deal with the dishonesty and selfishness and I pulled back.

Fourth, I do have one selfish, awful, terrible restriction: no face-time. My man, the one who satisfies those few things for me that Justin doesn't, is in Seattle. You're only in New York. That's just not fucking fair. Voice is fine. If he wants to call you, I don't mind. Just... no touching. I don't think I'm cool enough to handle that imbalance. Should the space between Seattle and Philadelphia ever shrink, we can reevaluate then.

Fourth, you're nuts. I will state for the record that face-time was never something I pushed. I wasn't the one saying give the word and I'll jump in the car and be there. I knew it was crap, he's not getting in your car to come see me but it was said often and not by me. I didn't invite him to the fall gathering, he inserted himself into it. All that aside, just exactly who do you think you are to make rules? I don't follow your rules. If I wanted to get in my car and go down there are you so sure he wouldn't meet up and not tell you? Again, you don't make any rules. You control nothing except your man who you've managed to emasculate into someone who can't have a conversation with a friend without running and telling mommy.

Your reasoning only points towards your maturity and your sick psychotic selfishness. Your boytoy is in Seattle so forget meeting him because I'm in NY? Honey, we're not cyber sexing or sex texting or doing any of that stuff you're into. Maybe he likes you telling him who he can and can't be friends with but you don't call my shots. Reevaluate your psychosis.

That's the key, really: reevaluation. Try things, see what works, adjust the rules accordingly. It's not the open relationship some idealists might have, but it's not monogamous either. You're welcome to be a part of it, if you and he work something out, but I need you to keep this stuff in mind. Don't undermine our relationship. Don't ask him to hide stuff from me. Trust him to know what stuff is okay to share in detail and what's okay to gloss over as an 'oh, we talked last night for a bit' and nothing more. Don't expect any visiting. You'll need to accept that I'm the top priority, but I'll do my best to accept that you're a priority, too. For years now, there's been another someone for me, but none for him, so this'll be new for me; that he's hid you from me in the past will make this a fuckload more difficult, but I'm willing to try.

You need to accept you don't make my rules. You don't call my shots and you don't top me from below. You may control every aspect of his life and tell him what to do but that's as far as your leash reaches. How sick and selfish that bit is about you and yours in your life, it's fine as long as it's yours, isn't it? You can't handle the thought of anyone who is even an imaginary threat to the cushy little world you've created where you're the queen and you alone do as you want.

How arrogant you come across. You're lucky I'm above you or I would have read your tripe, drove to to PA., had a clandestine meet up with him, rocked his world in a way you never could and left leaving him to go run home and tell you. Do you really think you can demand what other people think or do? The sun doesn't shine around you. You're lucky I gave up the game playing. If I had wanted to meet up, you would have been powerless to stop it, little girl.

Romance??? We've hardly even been friends because I knew he was being dishonest. I wonder how much of the truth you actually were told after reading all of this but I've got logs and people who saw things. Yes, he spent too much money on me for Valentine's Day and my birthday but it was a friendship. A bit closer than the average friendship but many many MANY times I told him you're a married man and I gave up married men years ago.

So, that's about all of it. I don't know what will happen with you two--it's not up to me--but I want you to know where I stand. I want you to know what you're getting into. I think it's important that you have this information. I hope it does more good than harm as that's the spirit in which it was intended.

This is the cute part. You're truly nuts. You lay down your laws, you post something that should have come to me in an email if at all, the world of your LJ friends didn't need it but that's the drama you crave. Then you say it's not up to me. It's comical. You got exactly the end you were hoping for. You made sure a friendship ended, you took away WD and all access to anything but you. Nicely played. Your world where you're free to do who and what you want but no one else is allowed to have a friend. What a sick double standard from a sick little girl who got scared of someone she saw as a a threat and reacted like a maniac.

Guess you got what you wanted. Your man is leashed and you've got full control of your microcosm again and so what if he lost a few friends and a whole lot of respect from people who think you're an arrogant disgusting meanspirited bitch who tells people to fuck off and die for fun. You never wanted him back on WD to begin with, even your friend said you gave him a whole lotta shit for bringing him back. Worked out just like your planned it. He had friends who weren't interested in you, friends beside me. You made sure they were removed. Kudos. He is allowed nothing outside of what you permit him.

Where I come from relationships are built on equality. Your selfish queen bee attitude is foreign to me but some people love being kept, I get that. What hurts me is losing a friend. The rest is easy.

Did you really think you could declare rules for others? Just because he likes it and lets you control his every move and tell him what he may and may not do and who he may and may not talk to doesn't mean anyone outside of your little world will listen. You don't make rules for people. Get over yourself. You don't get to hurt people for sport because you're a miserable person with depression and jealousy issues. This was so over the line, so uncalled for and so not necessary it's insane. Like you. No go walk your husband.

Okay, we're done now.

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