Thursday, February 09, 2006

Saying Goodbye

This is written for me. I've cut it for everyone else.

Some will understand, some will think I'm a dumbass. I don't care, it's not written for other people's opinions.

I am not dealing well at all with the death of Claude. I am a bit surprised how hard it's hitting me, how crippling the hurt is and how much this house is filled with Claude. I can't function, I don't want to function. I want to curl up on the bed and cry until I sleep away the day. I asked Dale to pick up a bottle of Excedrin PM so I can sleep through tomorrow and not have to feel.

I am not ashamed of the extent of my sadness. I am all about emotion and my life is based on emotion and right now it's all a gripping sadness and gaping void and it's winning.

This is my goodbye to my best friend who left me too soon and without any warning.

This is my way of trying to deal with a sadness I am losing to. It's for me. For all the times I pushed you away when I was too caught up in a site design or a blog or a podcast - I'm sorry.
For not getting off my lazy ass and cleaning out the pink room so you could sit in the room you loved so much - I'm sorry.
For every toy mouse I passed over in my self-serving non important tasks - I'm sorry.
For the times I yelled at you when you bit just a little too hard without realising it - I'm sorry.

For helping me through the hardest time of my life 9 years ago - I can never thank you enough.
For keeping a decade's worth of secrets and never judging me in my stupidity - I can never thank you enough.
For always giving me a smile with your round head and constant cuteness - I can never thank you enough.
For being the one constant to always remind me there is good in the world - I can never thank you enough.
For inspiring me through mewsing to make blog sites and blogs and keep going - I can never thank you enough.
For a decade of tears cried on your fur that you never once complained about - I can never thank you enough.
For being my familiar, best friend and 10 pound ball of strength in the darkest of hours - I can never thank you enough.

Everywhere I look there is Claude. The window seat right next to the monitor. The blanket on the desk under the lamp. The black bed on the desk. The new bed for Christmas he didn't get to use enough. Dan's shirt on the brown chair in the kitchen he claimed as his own. Spongebob on the couch overlooking the river, how he loved staring out the window there. The cat couch he never slept on. The basket he ignored for three years before deciding it was his. The cat condo he sat on top of but never went in to. The gym he played with once. The tunnel and tent he never bothered with. The dozens of mice missing eyes and tails scattered through the house. My old desk chair he would perch on the top of. The pink blanket he loved to snuggle in. Everywhere is where Claude is and should be and nowhere is Claude.

I don't know how people go through this, this is the first time for me and life around me has stopped. Everything has stopped except the tears and the empty feeling and the void in this house. I never expected it to hurt this much, to be this crippling. But it is. The Whiskas site says it's normal. I say nothing about being this sad or hurting this much is normal.

My first cat. My introduction to the world of being owned by a cat. I could count the number of days Claude spent away from me in 10 years on two hands with a finger left over. As my life shifted and 'work' came to mean more and more time at the computer, my constant companion sat there on the window seat and listened to all I said every day and inspiring me with cuteness and love. He came to me when for the first time in my life I felt alone and scared. He willingly came in and filled a void in my life that was damaging me. And now there is a new void and it's every bit as deep.

He was a happy cat. He was spoiled and loved deeply. Hell, he had over a dozen soft beds and pads to plop down on. He got people food. He was never turned away when he came to sleep with me and so many nights he was the warm little bundle snuggled on my second pillow - his pillow. Whenever he would wake up from a nap he would come find me at the computer in full purr, flopping over on his side against the keyboard to tread on my chest. He knew he was number one cat in the house and he knew how much I worried about him, loved him and desperately needed him.

Yet there is so much guilt. Did I do the right thing putting an 11 year old cat under anesthesia? Yes, it was a tumor but should I just have let it alone and let him live out what time he had, deteriorating along the way? Would it have made any difference if it had been done three weeks ago when he had the first appointment? Could we have done anything differently? Why didn't I stop with the bullshit blogs when he wanted love?

I thought I had at least 3 more years with him. In every plan I had for the future he was there, ever the muse that mews and my best friend.

This house is empty. Even with Templeton this house is empty. I had no idea it would get me this hard, I can't function and I don't want to function. I've taken 6 Excedrin PM since 1 AM and nothing is working.

I walked away from my social circle a while ago. I had had enough of the corporate games and the shallow people I was meeting and the bar scene and the people I was meeting. I withdrew and into my life came Claude. He showed me unconditional love for the first time ever (besides my parents) and he was everything to me.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was look over to see him on his pillow next to me. There was only an empty pillow, there will always be only an empty pillow now.

I can't look at this window seat, I can't deal with any of it. He inspired me to go for the server, to make the blog sites, to get into design, not to close the mud. With a purr and that look he was able to calm me when the hysterics were taking over. I can't look and listen to Templeton running around mewling looking in the places Claude would hide when he wanted to be left alone. He's not there, little guy. He's never going to be there again.

I just spoke with the vet. There was nothing we could have done differently, small consolation but it's something. Dr. Ringler reminded me we didn't even really know how old he was. He was a Forgotten Felines cat, the estimate was a "1995 model" but it wasn't something we could confirm. The lump was the same sort of nasty fucken cancer he had in 2003 and the fact that it physically grew in a week's time wasn't good. We both suspected the cancer had already spread. He offered me the choice of whether to autopsy or not but I declined. It wouldn't change anything and it serves no purpose. He was running and playing with Templeton before he went for the surgery, he wasn't in pain and he didn't suffer. Only the humans suffer after the fact.

I'm losing myself in monkey work for a minute or two. Which bill can be put off to pay the necessary $500 for Claude. Turn the fucken lights off, there's nothing here to see anymore anyway.

Templeton has been sleeping all afternoon. I have never -ever- in my life felt this alone.

Goodbye, old guy. You survived the fire that burned us to nothing, malignant cancer, 3 other surgeries for cysts, borderline diabetes, thyroid issues, allergies, arthritis and a high PH level. You were a constant source of joy who could brighten a room just by walking into it. The sheer joy at looking at your overly round head or scritching your chin while you purred or letting you tread against me while I was at the computer were things that saved me many times over. You made everyone who ever came into contact with you smile. You took Templeton into your heart and always made sure he was well-licked, played with, kept in line and taught the tricks of getting over on the humans. You let me soak your fur with tears a hundred times over and sat there and took it with class and love. You never lost that "Bronx spirit" you came to us with and I loved it each and every time you growled at me for having the nerve to touch you or bit me. You loved your mice and watching the birds and laying next to the space heater my father keeps in his den and curling up in the soda cabinet for warmth and cheeseburger mac hamburger helper and playing with straws and the old ratty blue chair my mother only kept up there for you and snuggling with your main human in the late afternoon. You endured horrible name butcherings like C-Cat the Dobbs Ferry rap cat, Bubbus and Claudie-cat. You let me put pink collars on you and hoist you into the air.

You left me too soon, Claudie. Every plan I made for the future had you in it and now all I have are plans and a void. I hope you knew how much you were loved and how sacred you were to me and always will be. I found a whisker of yours I had placed in a glass box during a sentimental moment, it's the most precious possession I have right now. I can't look at the pictures of you yet, I have some of the best here next to me but it just hurts so fucking much. You will be talked about for years to come and anyone who wishes to be a part of my life will see your round face. That overly round head that set you apart from all the others. That beautiful round head I will never again be able to squeeze and tell Dale to look at the mush-face.

They say it gets easier, for now it gets worse. I don't fight it, it would be a pointless battle. I didn't know I was capable of this depth of love, something else to thank you for showing me, Claudie. Right now the world is a dark and empty place and I just want to sleep and sleep until it hurts less to function. Right now I just want to grab you and hug you and hear you purr and spend all the time in the world with you that you want.

But I can't.

Goodbye, my muse that mews. I'm still going to talk to you like I have every day for the past 10 years. You changed me and you impacted my world more than any human being has in 10 years. I don't know how I'm going to be the same without you next to me. There will never be another first cat, there will never be another Claude (Clawed) LeMew (Lemieux).

I really need you here. I can't handle this level of sad.

I miss you.

I love you, now and always.

Walk with the angels, my little Claudie.

1. You’re right, it IS normal, and it takes a hell of a lot more time than people like to say but it eventually gets better. If I can tell you one thing, it’s to try to let go of the guilt. It was either taking this risk or letting it go unchecked and, most likely, making Claude suffer for it. Keep writing it out as you need, to hell with what anyone else may or may not think.

    on  02/09  at  07:11 PM

2. You’re in my thoughts. There’s just no way to reconsile such a deep hurt as this. After a time, it becomes tolerable. I pray for you peace, and that you shall find balance. You will have it again. *smiles* It will be like loving somebody new--you never love the same way twice, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. *big hugs*

   Gngr  on  02/09  at  09:45 PM

3. I only met Claude once for a brief time but I know he was lucky to have such a loving home. feel better soon

    on  02/09  at  10:41 PM

4. That was a heartfelt post, Kittyn.  Moving.  And healthy.

   As much as you are hurting is very normal.  Everyone who looses a pet should hurt so badly.  I think that the people who dont ache for their lost ones never really loved them to begin with.

   I’m still mourning Haruko, who was in my life just a tiny bit of time.

   I’m still mourning Ace, my beloved German Shepherd, and I lost him in 2003.

   The pain is even worse when you’re also smothered in guilt, thiking what you “should” have or “could” have done differently.

   My Ace got heartworms, and I made the decision to give him a treatment that in the end killed him, so I know that pain.

   Just know that you did the very best for Claude, and he will be your muse forever and always because someone you love that much never leaves you.

   I also know that words can have very little soothing effect, but I hope it might help just a little.  And my heart is there with you.  You’ve been very much on my mind ever since you announced he was gone.

   YummY!  on  02/09  at  11:14 PM

5. Death is death and no matter who it is, it is like a knife to your heart.Take as much time as you need. We love you, and send out more warm and loving thoughts to you and the Gotard.

    on  02/09  at  11:16 PM

6. You’re in my thoughts and prayers, Kali.

    on  02/10  at  03:16 AM

7. I know that nothing I can say will make the hurting stop, but know that I am here for you if you need it. I also lost my guardian and familiar when he ran away. But, in my heart I can’t believe he’s dead and gone, so what I feel isn’t even approaching what you feel. Just know, that everyone is here for you.

   I know it won’t help, but here is some bad haiku:

   Claude: sunny, vibrant,
   Guardian and Special friend
   Rest with peace and joy
   

   Utopia  on  02/10  at  09:37 AM

8. ...you know how to find me if you need any help. Take care of you.

   Loky  on  02/10  at  08:19 PM

9. I am so sorry. I am still mourning the loss of our dog, from almost two years ago.

   Its like loosing a child.

   Jennifer  on  02/10  at  09:53 PM

10. Reading that brought tears to my eyes. Real tears. It is so very poignant, so very sincere, that it brings tears to my eyes. Although it is in the past the pain never subsides; but it is only alleviated by the memory of Claude. Much love and many hugs, BM

    Bobby McGee  on  09/24  at  05:19 PM
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