Monday, February 15, 2010

This Blog and This Woman

This blog used to be a happy place full of halfhearted attempts at being whimsical and looking at life with a perspective that I always thought wasn't so bad. It wasn't a super blog or one of the 'big' blogs but it felt good for me to write my thoughts here and come here and read my crap to myself.

Now it feels like a totally different blog. It's sad. It's filled with disease and death and sadness and sense of desperation and defeat I've never experienced in all my years. I know that I've had a really bad two years but somehow in those two years I've lost every little spark of happy I had. And I haven't really wanted to do anything about it.

I withdrew. I stopped blogging except for show announcements. I stopped IMing with people I spoke to on a regular basis. I stopped most of my communications with pretty much everyone except Darkstar.

I always thought of myself as a capable person. When the apartment burned down and we lost everything, I was calm and dealt with it. I've endured a few tragedies with friends and always considered myself capable and maybe even strong.

Sometimes I wasn't the nicest person in the world but shit, we can't always be nice. There are people I screwed, people I've said sorry to or should have said sorry to, people I've wronged. I'm human. I don't think I was ever a bad person though. I always believed in myself.

The past two years have stripped away much of the veneer and the fact that I know I'm getting worse again each day with the kidneys (you can tell, there are fairly disgusting symptons) and I've lost my heath, my father, my dignity, my pride, my independence, my cocky side.

I've become perpetually sad, like this blog.

It's not depression in the classic sense but it's definite sad. It's finally starting to hit me that my life will never be the same no matter how much I cry over it or will it to be or want it to be or cry for it to be. Like it or not, I'm going to have to either accept a kidney transplant or die. Considering I never had any of this until Kingston GAVE it to me, it's still all sinking in. Maybe two years (well, a tad under two years) is a long time and maybe I'm slow but it's all finally becoming real. Like it or not, this is my life now.

I haven't figured out a way out of the hole of sad I've dug myself into and to be honest I haven't really done much to try.

This blog used to help me, it used to be a form of therapy for me. Now all I see when I come here is the sad.

I don't want to start a new blog and pretend none of it ever happened and changed my life. I could give it a complete re-vamp but that requires the ability to sit and think and do things for a few hours and that's hard lately in between the increased throwing up and the rest of it.

I know that where I'm at right now is not a place I can stay. I'm slowly making my kidneys worse paying no attention to the diet (hell, it all comes back up anyway so who cares how much potassium is in those taters) and I don't like being sad all the time. As bad off as I am, there are people worse off than I and they haven't given up.

I don't want to go talk to anyone except for the fact that it helps the lawsuit. I have one or two or three friends I can say anything to who know me well enough to speak wisely. I know what I'm doing, I know I'm self-sabotaging and wallowing in sad and doing everything wrong.

Fact: I will never have my father back.
Fact: I will never have healthy kidneys.
Fact: I will need a kidney transplant in the next few years.
Fact: They're going to try and put me back on dialysis.
Fact: Throwing up 3-21 times a day is not normal.
Fact: This is my life now. I am powerless to change any of it.
Fact: However, I am not powerless to change how I deal with any of it.

They say the first step is admitting the problem. I've never had trouble with admitting the problem but here I am saying it out loud. Doesn't mean I'm having any great epiphany either, I may post this and go back to my shell of nothingness and hang out there but hopefully this will poke at me enough that I can change this blog to make it look new.

I'm not at the new beginnings stage yet. I'm still stuck in limbo medically and financially so I can't even claim with determination that I'm ready to move on. I guess maybe I can stick something pink on the walls of limbo and try a little harder to get out of it, I don't know.

It sounds so fucken corny but I don't know myself anymore. Who is this fatherless sad person with the dead kidneys and nonstop puking and where the hell did she come from? Just because I didn't cause any of this doesn't mean I have to live with the victim mentality (thanks, Darkstar). I hate victims and I've let my head turn my into one.

I finally got my full set of records and looked at the 'lost week.' Those 6 days of seizures and near death in ICU are all there in print and I sat and read them and cried. My mother lied, I asked her if I peed on myself when I had the seizure and she said no but there it was in the records, 'patient had incontinence and was foaming at the mouth.' Hullo. This was me? Are you sure? ME? Lemme tell ya, it's a little trippy finding out two years later what happened during six days that were completely blank.

So back to this blog. I'm probably going to unlink it from Facebook. If I manage to change the look I'll be doing a lot of writing as I try to get my shit together and I'm not sure I want that auto linking there. Anyone who gives a damn knows where to go.

YummY used to do this thing where she posted a few positive things at the end of every entry, 'the little things' I think she called it. It's a good practise, I've swam in the negativity all day, I should end with finding something positive.

I will change this blog.
My fat grey cat sleeps right next to me every night.
Chocolate cherries.

Three is all I've got.

Yah. I'm done. My hole is calling.

1. Sounds like a plan to me. I’m rooting for you.

   SEV  on  02/15  at  09:34 AM

2. Well you don’t like coffee and your mom makes a kick ass blend at the gas station coffee fountain. You have your mother. You have friends. You have a moral compass. You have intelligence. You are well read. You take in kitties who would be neglected. You’re terribly amusing when you’re not puking.

   I know you’re scared and uncertain right now. But because of you, I got this far. You helped me through some of the worst crap of my life. I’m still here. You’re still there. You ARE strong. Now, however, perhaps you’re a different kind of strong than you were before, the rug has just been moved.

   I believe in you. I believe in your courage. I believe in your strength. I believe in your humanity. I am here. I may not be as vocal as some, but I am but a message away at any time. (Unemployment does that to people.)

   With devotion,
   Mare

   Mare Martell Stotler  on  02/15  at  10:09 AM

3. You know there are those who will help and support you along the way, many who care about you along the way, we’ll all be in your corner.

    on  02/15  at  10:57 AM

4. "Why do we fall, Sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up.”

   Yea… I remember the old you. The scrapper, the warrior, the stoic, the cynic but part of life is how we deal with it’s challenges, tests, trials and tribulations.

   Can I say that you’ve hit rock bottom? I believe so. The best thing I can say is that “the only way is up”. I’ve always been a believer in the fact that “The key to success is to accept change”. Your life has changed for the worse, but now it can change for the better.

   You were wronged and yet you see your life as “why me?” rather than “why not”? You’re currently in the “mourning and sorrow” part of your situation, but remember the fire that took the first apartment? Rather than say “we’ll be able to move in again and continue our life as it was” and watch all the good apartments go away and be one of those who had to move to another city or live with relatives until it was rebuilt, we moved quickly to get something 3 times the size for less than the price of what the old apartment would have escalated it’s value to. It was you who decided to act fast and start looking rather than the other fire victims who chose to “wait it out and hope”.

   What you’ve been through is tragic. So tragic it deserves restitution. To get that will take work and an attitude of “I’m gonna get what I deserve and more for my troubles” rather than “I’m gonna lie down and die because they murdered me”. Y’know what murder victims don’t get? A chance to stick it to their murderers. As long as there’s breath in you, you can fight and win. This process will not be handed to you. You have to do a little work. Like me, I can’t wait to “be discovered”. I need to go out and make my mark in the world. In the same instance you’ve work to do also. Do you think our other friends who won major lawsuits “got lucky”? HELLS naw! They went and got an attorney who was a fighter and worked together to fight for their justice! Now one got the money to make a really good demo project and the other will never have to work again and can now live in comfort with great medical care.

   Why can this not be you? As an Epicalist, I’m a firm believer in “Why CAN’T it be me?” If for nothing but the sheer justice of it all.  You deserve your day in court and you deserve to have a life to look FORWARD too. You’re too keen a mind to waste away in depression and on a downward spiral. You are capable of so much more. I would love to see the novels you are capable of. The crime novels, the novel about the mind of the game player. These are those things that drive us. One: to razz the naysayers on “the list” and Two: To make Chuck proud. I have yet to make George proud. He may be proud that I was able to carve out an independent life, but I come from a competitive family. My mom knows I could be greater...you and I know it too. So I must make my mom and your mom and my late dad and your late dad proud. If for nothing but the principal. The same goes with you. Chuck, lover of books would love nothing more than to know his daughter became a famous novelist. Don’t say it couldn’t happen… cause it happened to a writer of books about some Wizard school in England, no? She was homeless now she golfs with God (at least at his Country Club cause she can afford it).

   You can do this. Everyday you think you can’t I want you to come back to this comment and know that you can. Re read what I have written. You can rise up. We all have the Phoenix gene in us.
   It will NOT be easy. You’ve had 2 years of hospital tragedy. It may take another, but in the end of your journey you will be happier in your newly adjusted life. You will win large sums as you were wronged. You will gain your health because your medical issues will be taken care of. You will get a new kidney. You will take your fat grey cat and his pride, sit in a large house with lots of books and a pink coffin couch and you will write great novels.

   Trust me.

   All will be well.

   Darkstar  on  02/16  at  04:57 PM

5. Good hell in a handbasket do I feel inadequate. I second Darkstar’s message. He’s right.

   Mare Martell Stotler  on  02/16  at  05:05 PM

6. I have to understand some of your points, from the post. You are totally right. Time will not come back, childhood, our dear ones who died!!

   Natural  on  02/17  at  03:23 PM

7. I have nothing inspirational or wise or uplifting to add… I can only say I have complete faith that you can do whatever you put your mind to, and that if anyone could WILL themselves into better health, a better frame of mind, and a better life, it’s YOU.

   akaMonty  on  02/18  at  10:10 AM

8. I feel sympathy for you, Kittyn. I know I don’t comment much anymore, and I could give a bunch of lame excuses of not having time, blah, blah, blah, but I just caught up on your blog and I am sending out a huge mental hug your way.

   I want to revamp my blog, too, so if you find any cute templates or other amusing eye-candy, let me know.

   Much love to you.

   Binary Blonde  on  02/18  at  03:18 PM

9. Still praying for you, woman.  If I can help out in any way, call on me.  *HUGS*

   Nicki  on  02/18  at  04:30 PM

10. I consider us a restart. We started off as blog network that was unfocused and it didn’t work as a business model. It was a neat hobby but it didn’t work from a revenue perspective because it was too fragmented. What they did a good job of was write a scalable technology platform but no focus and really didn’t have any good content which, you know, makes for a challenging environment when you’re trying to sell advertising.

    Cheap furniture
    Furniture Melbourne

    Cheap furniture  on  01/16  at  12:28 AM
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