WebKittyn Warbles

A very happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. May it be a relaxing day of BBQ, love and family and since your kids probably won't say it for a few more years, thanks for being a dad. There's so much emphasis (and rightly so) on motherhood, let us not forget how important it is to be a dad, to have a dad. I don't care what anyone says, kids need a dad.

This year I've gained membership to a club I never wanted to be a part of; a club for those who go through greeting card holidays without having the holiday's focus in our lives. It sucks, it's a pretty sucky club but here I am on my first Father's Day without my dad here. How am I doing? Honestly? Crappy. I knew I'd be in bad shape but right now it's really bad shape. I can admit it, right now I'm just sad and nothing anyone says or does is going to change that. I'm rational enough to know it's brought on by a stupid greeting card holiday but the loss is still real and if I get one more fucken ad from the online greeting companies to "send Dad and ecard" I'm going to kill someone.

And a happy birthday to my mother who instead of celebrating turning 70 went to bed holding a stuffed pig and cried so loud I had to turn on the AC so I didn't hear it.

As for me, I've run out of tears for the moment and I'm actually taking some solace in looking at some old pictures of my dad when he looked like a thug in the 50's and when he dragged his whining daughter across country in the ugly green station wagon.

This sucks, is it Wednesday yet?

In lieu of the ecard this year...

Dear Dad,

Well Chuck, aint this the shit. You were supposed to be here, apparently you promised her you would get up and go out for brunch to celebrate the two days together. You were supposed to be here for me as I missed last year with you and was looking forward to this year. But you're not here, you stopped fighting the fight and you're not here.

I'm not angry anymore, I don't blame you to be honest. Some readers might find this morbid but tough shit if they do. She and I talked about the night you died, it was the first time since you came home you truly had a smile on your face. If I was a person of faith maybe I'd be thinking it's because you went with God or to Heaven but ya know what? I think you were just finally out of pain and tired of fighting and okay with letting go. All the signs were there that last week and going back into the hospital would have been both the obvious next step and the one thing in the world you did not want.

I'm not angry but I'm really really sad. I didn't realise how much the little things we shared mattered. I don't have that bond with her. She doesn't care about my websites or videos by crazy gay Dutch guys. She doesn't follow who is who in my life and keep up with the latest bands and movies. She doesn't get that tingle in her head when a new Cross or Bosch novel is announced.

She's doing as well as she can though, she tries to hide how much pain she's in but she's never been good at hiding things.

I've been looking at old pictures and reading the letters you sent to me when I was in Albany Med and you were in the Center. How sick you were but you still worried about me. I can't help but wonder how much worrying about me didn't help you.

I wish you were here to go through the lawsuit with me. There were so many things I wanted to be able to buy for you that you deserved. You were the best dad a girl could ever have wanted and I'm sorry I wasn't able to give you more when you needed it. Lunch and company wasn't much to offer but I loved every minute of both and I would give my last bit of kidney function to have you ask me to re-heat the soup one more time.

The ecard companies are making me nuts, how many hundreds of those things did I send you over the years..

I know you'd be pissed at a lot of things around here, I know you would tell me to be nicer to her and appreciate her more. I'm trying, I promise you I'm trying but I'm struggling.

I really miss you. There are days where I only cry once the whole day and there are days I hardly stop. It's hard to believe it's been five months. I keep waiting for this miraculous 'it gets easier with time' I keep hearing but maybe I'm just pushing too hard for it to come too soon. You really were my best friend and so much more than a dad. We made that transition from father/daughter to father/daughter/friend and you left one hell of a gap in my life there, Chuckie.

I don't want to watch bad zombie movies with anyone else. That was our thing. I haven't watched a bad zombie movie since.

I just want you to know how much I miss you and that I love you and that you're supposed to be here.

Happy Father's Day, Dad. Thank you for being the best and for giving me a lifetime of love. I really really miss you.

With love,

Your 'fucking pothead' daughter