WebKittyn Warbles

If one is the loneliest number, then red is the most contradictory color.

Think about it. Red has both the yin and the yang. It’s love and hate. Spicy and candylicious. Stop and go fast. Valentine and Satan. Burning hot and cherry ice pop. Holiday dress and sports jersey. Republican and communist.

Red must confuse the hell out of kids. Oh, look at that shiny red fire engine! Must go touch it. Oh, wait, doesn’t red mean stop? No, no, supposed to like fire engines, but red means hot and red ants sting! Holycrap, would a fire engine sting? Is it hot? Damn, damn, dammit. Hey, mom?!

Talk about mixed messages. Come on, red, get your story straight. Some of the scariest things in a kid’s life are red: blood, fire, Santa Claus. It's a sign of poison and danger, but is also emblazoned on the most iconic of toys: the little red wagon, the classic tricycle, and Raggedy Ann and Andy. We teach our kids to be drawn to you -- and
then forbid them from going to the red light district.

Red, how are we supposed to explain you to our kids? When their cheeks are red they are either feverish, cold, tired, angry, embarrassed, or out of breath? It seems completely arbitrary. Are you high security threat or barber shop? Shiny bicycle or the devil’s pitchfork? Red tide or red cross?

Your double-meaning gig is up. We've caught you red-handed. No amount of red tape or confounding red herrings will get you out of this. And now that we red-blooded word-lovers are on red alert over your trickery, don't expect the red carpet treatment anymore. No, you're not going to get a red cent. But us? Ha! We're going to paint the town red. Yes we are.

Now are you seeing red?




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