WebKittyn Warbles

I'm having a real hard time with Thanksgiving. I'm having a real hard time with the whole thought of the holidays in general but since T-day is only a week away it's getting to me. The first major holiday without my dad, it's really messing me up.

I have a million vivid memories of Thanksgivings long gone by when I was a kid. My mother would go all out and would begin days in advance making bread from scratch. Different kinds of bread, all hot and perfect come Thanksgiving night. My two aunts and grandmother would come over in the afternoon and my aunts and my dad would sit around drinking beer and laughing. The house always smelled amazing and it was just warm and filled with everything Thanksgiving is supposed to be about. The meal was always perfect. My mother may not be the world's greatest cook but she puts out a mean holiday spread. After dinner we'd all move back to the living room and play games, tell stories or do whatever until my aunts and grandmother went home at night.

I've made it up here every year for Thanksgiving since my folks moved to the middle of nowhere. The feasts weren't as grand but they were always good and there was love and warmth in the house and that's what it's all about.

This year it's all different.

Two years ago when he got sick it was right after Thanksgiving so even though he wasn't well, he was still here and he had his turkey. Last year we were so amazingly thankful to have him home and at the table for Thanksgiving, I think last year was the most meaningful and close-to-the-heart Thanksgiving I've ever had.

This year it's all different. I know how much my dad loved Thanksgiving and the day after. I see how much it's killing my mother to have to deal with Thanksgiving without him.

I don't want to turn into one of those people who shuns the holidays because of my own sadness. I love to see the joy in the faces of people around me and I love the whole holiday spirit but at the same time I find myself overcome with loss and sadness and wishing it wasn't the holiday season. I guess that's normal but it sucks.

Usually Darkstar is here for Thanksgiving but until a few days ago, we weren't having any form of Thanksgiving so for the first time in many years he'll be spending it with his family. I decided I can't let the sadness win so I'm making a meal. It's way too much food for two people but Darkstar will be up that Sunday and leftovers are a good thing. It feels like the right thing to do for me to make some sort of turkey dinner, it seems like what my dad would have wanted instead of two sad people sitting around staring at each other ordering Chinese take-out.

It's hard listening to my friends talk about their family get-together plans. I'm genuinely happy for them but at the same time I'm jealous because I can't have that. I'm not saying I'll never have a happy holiday again but this is the first one and I'll never have a holiday with the most important man in my life again and I'm forced to come to terms with that as I'm slammed in the face with holiday stuff everywhere I look.

I have some awesome friends to lean on to get me through it who don't act weird around me because they have what I do not. I've got one friend who offered to take the day after off and drive 300 miles just to keep me from sitting around by myself eating leftovers and being depressed.

I'm kind of numb. I go from alright one minute to gut-wrenching tears in the blink of an eye and then back to alright. The closer it gets the more it messes with my head. Thinking back on the good times in the past doesn't help either. Maybe in time it will but right now it just makes me more sad and makes me want to go back in time and I can't do that.

I guess I just have to deal with this first Thanksgiving and then Christmas and be what I am. If I'm sad, I'm going to be sad. If I'm okay then I'll be thankful for a brief respite from the sad and take the okay. When I cook the turkey I'll be thinking of my dad and how he would have been busting my chops about my cooking abilities. I can see him in his chair with a big plate of taters and gravy watching football or something WWII related.

Sometimes the veneer totally cracks and I just crawl into bed and cry. I don't want to talk to anyone because I don't want pity or people acting cautious around me so I grab the closest cat and cry it out. Sometimes I just want the holidays over and then the inner child in me that loves decorations and the spirit kicks me and I feel a little better.

I guess it's just going to be a rough holiday season for me. I have no choice but to get through them though and do the best I can to make it as pain-free for my mother as I can and keep my own blood pressure and emotions in check. I just miss him so much still, it kills me.

Please just let me make it through Thanksgiving in one piece. Give me the strength to hold it together and cook a decent meal.

Man, this sucks.