WebKittyn Warbles

This should make Darkstar happy, I think I'm finally getting what he's been trying to pound into my head for the past few months.

On a totally separate note, yah, sure, it's fine. I lived with FOAD for 17 days, what's a few more nights of nothingness. No problem. Yah, right.

I'm annoyed at a lot of shit lately, a good portion of it is at myself. I don't like where my head has settled lately and instead of doing anything about it I just kind of sat back and let it hang there. I've let people get to me who never in a million years would have even made me bat an eye. I've wasted time lamenting Basso the Asso and putting my faith in a useless hack of a lawyer. I'm annoyed at my mother for not doing anything, not even trying. I'm annoyed at crazy fear mongering hate-spewing extremists (on both sides) who force their opinions down my throat. I let myself get played because I'm bored to death with my life at the moment and guess what - that's my fault. Huzzah.

I've seen some friends of mine go through some major life changes in the past year or so and I need to take a little bit of lesson from each of them. Faith Ann has the best attitude going and has become the woman of wisdom. Jen restores my faith that good things can happen to good people. Darkstar is a dose of reality and the best friend a psychopathic webkittyn could want. Hell, even Jeckles has a better attitude on life than I do lately.

A lot of it is where I choose to put myself. The situations I choose to get involved in and the way I deal with things and people. I can't control situations but I can control how I react to them or place myself into them.

The first wind of change is real close to blowing in. Within the next few weeks I will have a car again. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this freedom, it's the first time since I got sick that I'm going to have the total freedom to get up and go. It's intense. I'm going to have to fight off the temptation to get in the car and just go. Not to anyone or anyplace I know, just go.

I want to re-connect with old friends who are still the amazingly cool people I hung out with before. Steve, Drew, Karen, Erin, Jen, Benny, Bryan, Mike and Sandy, the list goes on. I'm tired of being tired and tired of being sick.

I want to drive to Albany and meet with the lawyers who are going to make it happen the right way.

I just got off the phone with a good friend who was in a ton of pain, exhausted beyond belief and in general wiped out. Yet this friend took the time out to stay awake and call me and talk to me. Little gestures go a long way. I need to pay it forward.

I think my head is officially up my ass. I'm the first to admit I'm stuck in a stagnant state waiting for the transition I know is coming but is taking so damn long to come and I can't do anything in between.

Step one: "Recognise, it's your life now in review..."
Step two: baby steps.

Freedom is a pretty nice baby step. It's literally been over two years since I've been able to do something as simple as go to the deli for a sandwich for lunch on my own or the local store for a pack of smokes. Over two years. Two wretched years of disease and death and more disease and dialysis and doom. Now I'm two weeks or so away from that all being over.

If I don't take that as the biggest sign I've ever received to stop playing ostrich, get my head out of my ass and come back to the living then I don't deserve any of it. The rest will come, I can't force lawsuits to happen, I can't change my kidneys but I sure as shit can change a whole lot of things from the people and circumstances I deal with to Spring cleaning this place to going back to training for Everest in the weird funky sneakers.

I think it's time to start the ball rolling, seriously. I thank those of you who have inspired me and have stuck with me as I've turned down invitation after invitation to go do normal social things and *GASP* actually maybe have some freaken' FUN. Don't give up on me yet.

My life needs a cool change. I need a cool change. I'm sorry if some get left behind but for the moment, I have to think about me. There was this person I used to know. She was confident and feisty and friendly and happy and didn't take any shit and loved to laugh and had a spark in her eyes. It's time I went and found her again and kicked this pod person out of my body and took back some control of my life and my head.

Yah, it's time.

Let the car be the catalyst, let the rest flow from within.